I Wanna Grow People!

Good News!

2010-03-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends! I'm excited to finally be able to you I'm pregnant. I guess our little vacation from the worries of life worked. This is why I have been MIA for so long. Let me explain...

I wasn't sure what to say here or if I should say anything at all, but I decided that success stories are important to help provide encouragement, hope, and possible advice. I want to get the word out, because I didn't known before, about progesterone! I had 3 very early miscarriages and changed doctors before I was taken seriously about needing to get progesterone right away. I don't want to bash my old doctor but let's just say I LOVE my new doctor!! I know that the way things happened for us is how they were supposed to happen, but it still upset me that I couldn't get progesterone the moment I asked for it, and that I had to experience 3 miscarriages before they would admit that maybe there was a problem. My first doctor just said, "2 miscarriages is normal so just assume you are normal and everything will be fine the next time." Well, the next time I went in asking for progesterone and they said I had to have a blood test first, wait ALL weekend for the results, and then they would see if I could have some. I know now that had I gotten progesterone that day it still wouldn't have made a difference because I was already too far along and had already started to miscarry, but to me, that seems like a lot of bull crap!

I met my new doctor back in September and he seemed very smart and confident but also focused more on figuring out how to get me pregnant instead of staying pregnant. We didn't feel like getting pregnant was our issue, it was keeping the pregnancy. However, we trusted him and did what we could of what he asked and hoped that when I did get pregnant he would be just as smart and confident about what to do then.

Just after New Years I decided to take a pregnancy test fully expecting a negative because I didn't feel any different and we weren't able to "try" as much as we thought we maybe needed to because of the holidays and such. I looked at the test right away and saw the negative line showing up really fast. I set it aside and continued to get ready for church and even told My Love that I think it's negative but I was just waiting the full time to double check. 3 - 5 minutes later I couldn't believe that I was actually seeing a plus sign on that little stick. I was in shock at first, then my emotions turned to panic. I knew I wanted progesterone right now! I actually had some left over from my previous doctor so I felt safe that I could start it that day. We live with my parents and I knew I couldn't hide it from them, so I took the test into my mom and asked her if she could help me read the results. She seemed confused by my request but was happy for the news. She kept her cool because I think she could tell I was apprehensive, but we were all excited inside. At church I couldn't wait for Relief Society to end so I could talk to my friend who is a nurse for my new doctor. She told me to take the progesterone I had and that she would get me a full prescription tomorrow, no questions asked, no blood tests. She said they aren't that strict in her office. SEE! That's how you handle such fragile women as us! Give us what we need, as long as it's not going to hurt the baby!!

The next four weeks were terrible for me emotionally. I wasn't feeling very "pregnant" and was constantly worried that something was going to go wrong. Every time I went to the bathroom I held my breath hoping I wouldn't see any red. I would curl up into a ball when I would sneeze because I didn't want the force of my sneeze to cause any harm. I pretty much just sat around the house all day every day because I didn't want to do any physical activity that might be too much. I didn't want to talk about the pregnancy or even acknowledge that it was a baby because I didn't want to get attached. I was constantly looking for signs that everything was going well and of course jumped at the opportunity to do a blood HCG test a week after I took the home test. I had done this many times before and knew that I would have to wait a couple days to even know if the second number was going up, which meant we were doing good, but I figured I could worry for a couple days and then have some reassurance or disappointment, or I could worry and worry until something else happens. Happily for us, my HCG numbers more than doubled, which was a great sign. A week after that I was still worried and jumped again at the chance to have an early ultrasound. I went to the hospital and had a transvaginal ultrasound and hoped we could see the baby and hear a heart beat. Unfortunately I wasn't far enough along to see the baby or a heartbeat but we did see a gestational sack and a yolk sack which were both the best news we could get at the time. We were asked to repeat the ultrasound in two weeks. Two weeks felt like an ETERNITY!

At that point I was 8 weeks pregnant, 2 weeks further than I had ever been with any other pregnancy, I had no bleeding, no cramping, and got to go in for my first doctor appointment. I had no idea what to expect but we were so excited to finally have some confirmation that everything would be ok. To our joy my doctor put the ultrasound probe on my belly and we could see a tiny little black spot with an even smaller gray spot inside. Then the best thing that I have ever heard in my life came out of my doctor's mouth "I love what I'm seeing here!" He said that everything looked great and then he showed us the little flicker that was our baby's heart beating. To say My Love and I were so happy is a complete understatement. We were shocked and awed and elated beyond belief. The second best thing I heard that day was my doctor told us that after we see a heartbeat the chance of miscarriage is less than 1%. Ah, I could finally accept and be happy that I was pregnant!

To my parent's and My Love's joy my mood lifted after this appointment and we decided it was ok to let our siblings in on our secret. That was a lot of fun to finally be able to say the words out loud, I'm Pregnant. They were all so happy for us and My Love's sisters even started to cry which was so sweet and meant so much to us.

I have experienced an array of pregnancy symptoms which have been a welcome reassurance that there is still a baby growing inside of me. I never want to complain about anything I've experience because 1- I know many other people have it A LOT worse than I do, and 2- I don't ever want to seem ungrateful for this amazing blessing and miracle that we have. I'm excited for all the phases I'll be going through in the next 5+ months and of course beyond. I can't wait to be a mom and I know that from all these experiences I have had, I will cherish every moment with my child so much more.

At my 12 week appointment my doctor told me to stop taking the progesterone. I was very hesitant and nervous but he said the baby is growing and doesn't need it anymore. So, I stopped, but I had a really rough couple of weeks worrying that maybe I had stopped too soon and I was going to loose this baby.

I am now 16 weeks and the baby is doing great! I really feel like I owe it all to progesterone. For anyone out there, or someone you know, that has had one or more early miscarriages, I would ask that you talk to your doctor about progesterone. Even demand it if you have to! Stay on top of your cycles and take a pregnancy test as early as you think you can, and then go to your doctor and make them give you progesterone. Even if you don't need it, it won't hurt your baby, and at least you'll have that base covered. Also, talk to your doctor ahead of time to find out what their policy is when you get pregnant so you know what you need to do (blood tests or whatever) and how quickly you can get things done. I know that progesterone worked for me and I know of many other people it has worked for too. I hope this information can help someone else out there. We all deserve to be mothers and to have control over our care. I pray that all of you will have the success you are desiring whether it is through natural conception, fertility treatments or adoption. Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us and He knows our hearts and our desires and will fulfill them according to His plan. Thank you all for your love and support to me and each other. We all need to stick together to have joy with those experiencing joy, and to hold up those experiencing frustration or sorrow. You are all wonderful!

If you want this blog to continue please email me or post a comment. I stopped creating new posts because I was having a hard time coming up with topics and I wasn't getting a lot of feedback about what people wanted to talk about. Also, I wasn't sure that anyone was even still reading, other than my close friends. So if you have something you want to talk about or ask your fellow fertility friends here please let me know, otherwise, this may be my last post. Thanks again to everyone!!

Taking a Break

2009-11-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

I have decided to take a break from this blog. Last night My Love and I were talking about how we have been spending too much time and energy worrying and focusing on the things we don't have control over, including having a baby, among other things. We have decided to start focusing on the things we can control and improve in our lives.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about having my own babies, and I'm sure that won't change, but I think that it's time for me to take a break. I need an emotional break from all the stress and worry. I've heard lots of stories about people who "quit trying" and end up pregnant. Maybe that'll happen for us. But if not, we'll be ok, and we'll reevaluate at the beginning of next year to see where we want to go from there.

I really appreciate everyone who has been reading this blog and for all your love and support. You have all taught me so much and helped me through some really difficult times. I hope I have done at least a little of the same for you. I'm not going to completely shut this blog down, so if you have any questions you want to put out here, or news about your progress, or just want to vent, please feel free to post here. I will still receive messages and do my best to help you all in anyway I can.

Good luck to all of you! I hope and pray for good things to happen for you. If I don't hear from you, Happy Holidays!

Tyra's Words of Wisdom

2009-10-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, the show was on at 4 not 3, and there was an actual doctor there giving advice, not Tyra, thank heavens!
Well, there wasn't a ton of information that was spectacular or things I haven't heard before, but I did take some notes.

7.3 million women in the U.S. struggle with infertility
1 out of 7 couples in the U.S. struggle with infertility
2/3rds of couples treated for infertility go on to have healthy babies

Well, this helps those of us who think we're all alone and we're the only ones not having babies. It also gives hope that, with help, we will someday be mommies!

The owner/creator/something of Conceive Magazine was there talking about foods that help boost fertility. She also wrote a book "Cooking to Conceive". You can sign up to win a copy of this book on Tyra's website.

Pancakes vs. Prepackaged Muffins -- Pancakes: They were made with buckwheat - which increases ovulation and helps with PCOS - and buttermilk - full fat milk, this kind of fat is good for you. Those muffins are high in transfat which is bad.
Turkey Burger vs. BLT -- Turkey Burger: They contain lots of iron and the cheese gives you your dose of full fat dairy. Vegetables and beans are also very good. Bacon is high in saturated fat.
Pasta with Salmon and Asparagus vs. Beef -- Pasta: This contains a lot of folic acid.
Cheese Cake Brownies vs. Angelfood Cake -- Brownies: Instead of using butter they used Omega 3 canola oil. They used dark chocolate which has lots of antioxidants.

The Scoop on Sperm

Sperm is made up of citric acid and sugar
Avoid hot tubs, saunas, and anything else that causes excessive heat. Also, don't let your hubbies put laptops on their lap, keep them on a table.
Hubbies should use their cell phones less and keep them either turned off or out of their pockets or on their hips. Keeping their phones on standby and in their pockets or clipped to their belt isn't good. Tyra suggests a man purse.
Make sure your hubby is getting his daily servings of fruit.

I hope some of this information is helpful. I found the show a bit interesting, but most of it was things I had heard before. I'm excited to explore this new website and I'm going to look into this magazine too! Good luck to everyone out there trying for their little bundle of joy!

The Tyra Show

2009-10-27T12:52:00.001-07:00

I need to first preface this by letting you know that I am not a fan of Tyra Banks. I find her quite annoying, especially her show. However, I just saw a commercial that her show this afternoon at 3pm is going to be about couples dealing with infertility. I looked up the description on the Dish guide and it doesn't say that, but the commercial said it, so I'm hoping the commercial is right. I just thought I would pass this information along in case anyone is home and wanted to watch.

BBT

2009-10-21T10:10:00.001-07:00

So this month I decided to try the basal body temperature technique for predicting ovulation, in addition to ovulation tests. From what I remember reading about doing the BBT thing is that you have to before you get up or move at all in the morning, and I think your temperature is supposed to go down, then rise when you ovulate. Then, if you're pregnant it's supposed to stay elevated. I probably have a lot of this wrong, I need to go back and read about it again.

So, I've been doing it all month, and either I have a very strange body temperature pattern, or I'm doing it wrong. My temperature has fluctuated between 96.4 - 98.6 (ish). Some mornings when I roll over to grab the thermometer I naturally stretch my muscles, then I get worried that I just ruined my temp. because I wasn't supposed to move that much! Agh. Haha. Anyways, I guess I'll keep trying. If nothing else, maybe it'll be good information for my doctor someday.

Does anyone understand how to do the BBT technique? Do you have to have a special thermometer? I just have a regular digital one. Maybe that's my problem. Any suggestions or ideas on this technique and how to make it work? Has anyone had success in getting pregnant this way?

Great Website!

2009-10-21T10:03:00.001-07:00

LDS INFERTILITY
I saw this website on a friend's blog yesterday, and another friend gave me the link from Facebook. I don't know how new this is, but I'm excited to have found it. I have only read a few parts of this website, but I think it'll be a great source of information and strength for me, and hopefully for you too. I've added a button on the side if you want to click there!
"We welcome members of all faiths to join in our community and to strive to understand infertility from a religious perspective." -ldsinfertility.org

Suck It Up!

2009-10-16T12:00:00.001-07:00

Today is a new day. That means a new day to make new decisions. I realize I have been wallowing in self pity for a while now, and today I am choosing to stop! I choose to suck it up, and move on. I need to remember that not everything is about me (shocker huh!). Sometimes it's about other people and their lives and their success and happiness. Heavenly Father created His plan of Happiness for a reason. We need to draw happiness from other people when it's difficult to find it within ourselves. I choose today, to be happy for my friends and family and to share in their joy! And I hope that someday they will do the same for me.

Have a Wonderful Day!

Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

2009-10-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

I stole this post from my friend Lauren's blog, I hope she doesn't mind. I have never heard of this, but I think it could be very applicable and healing for many of us.

October 15th is National Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. A day to remember the babies we never got to hold.
On October 15th, a wave of light travels the world in honor of our lost babies. At 7pm in your time zone, you are invited to light a candle in honor of each of your lost pregnancies, or in honor of the loss of a friend. Keep your candles lit for one hour, until the next time zone lights their candles.
To learn more visit http://www.october15th.com/

My Thoughts Are All Over The Place

2009-10-13T13:58:00.001-07:00

I have almost started a post several times over the last couple weeks, but I always chickened out. I've been thinking about a lot of different things, but I could never get my thoughts straight enough to get out of my head and not sound terrible. Well, I'm hoping that maybe writing now will help. (Sorry, more whining may be involved.)
** I've been thinking a lot about our fertility issues. Is the problem with me? Is it with My Love? Is it both of us? My blood tests came back normal, which is good, but I was slightly disappointed because I was hoping for an answer to our troubles. I thought my progesterone was low, and all I had to do was take supplements, and we'd be fine! I guess that's not the problem.
My Love has amorphous/tapered sperm. I tried to look up information on that, and it appears it's probably some genetic problem. The information I read said that IUI, even with washing, wasn't a very good solution, and that IVF or ICSI are usually the best choices. Can we really afford all that right now? The good news is that we have gotten pregnant 3 times all on our own, so maybe we're not this much of an extreme case. But then that takes me back to, what is my problem? Why can't I keep a pregnancy past 6 weeks?
Maybe one or both of us have a genetic problem. They say the most common reason for early miscarriage is that a baby could never be made because the cells didn't divide properly or genetic mix ups. Maybe we should have genetic testing done. We have had some chromosomal abnormalities with distant family members. Maybe I have some kind of recessive gene or something.
My Love was supposed to have his hamster test done yesterday, but unfortunately we had an unexpected event the night before which did not allow us to keep that appointment. BUMMER! It's so hard for him to find time off, and I was sooo looking forward to having one more piece to our puzzle in the next few days. Hopefully he can find time to make another appointment soon.
** I got an invitation to a baby shower for a good friend. We have been friends since we were little, but we haven't been as close since high school. Heck, I found out she was pregnant on Facebook! :( I feel like I should go to the shower to see her and support her, but like many of us at times, I don't know if I really want to go. I guess I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it. I love her and am so happy for her, because I know she has wanted this for a while too, it's just never easy to congratulate someone for getting something you want. Oh gosh, that sounds terrible doesn't it! Any suggestions on being a better person?
** My wonderful sister in law got married this past weekend. It was such an amazing day and I loved it so much. She is the sweetest woman I know and I am so happy for her and her new hubby. They are so great together, and I love them both dearly. Unfortunately, here's the evil side of me, I can't help but be scared that now that they are married, and older, that they might have a baby before we do. TERRIBLE HUH! I thought since we have been married for so long, and were married first, we should give My Love's parent's their first grandchild. We don't get to be the firsts of anything with my parents (they already have 3 granddaughters and a grandson), so I thought it'd be nice to be the first with his parents. I know, I'm just being dumb and selfish. I keep telling myself to stop being so selfish and to think of the bright sides. One is that there would be a new baby in the family, and even in the same state! I could be the best aunt ever and help out all the time. And this is where I slap myself in the face and say, whoa, they just got married, they aren't the type to jump right into anything, let alone something as serious as parenthood. And, even if they did, I'd be happy for them because I love them and I want them to be happy!
Ah, family events. This is when we get to see everyone we haven't seen in years, many since we got married. Everyone likes to say hello and see how we're doing and what we're up to. This is the worst. We don't have anything exciting to say. "Ya, we've been married for the 5 years now, I know a long time. No, we don't have our own place, we're living with my parents. Yes, we have finished school, but we don't have a real career yet. Nope, no kids, hopefully soon :)" No one was pushy or anything about the kids stuff, but sometimes I just want to scream "No, we don't have any children! Want to know why?! Do you want to hear a really long, painful story?! I didn't think so." It was actually kind of sad, the only young person there was a cousin who is 13. Other than that, all the friends and family in the wedding party were over 21. I heard wishes and requests for more children at the next family wedding. Well, let's just hope his other sisters don't get married anytime soon!
** I worry that I may not be a mom, or at least not any time soon. I feel like without that, who am I? All I have ever wanted to be, since I was a baby myself, is a mom. I started helping a mom down the street with new twins when I was 6 years old. I would go over every day after school just to play with her babies. I have never thought about any type of career or alternative option in life than being a mom. I enjoyed school because I liked to learn about psychology, but I always thought that it was just good information to know for raising a family. There isn't a job in this world that even comes close to quenching my severe heart ache to be a mommy. I enjoyed working at the daycare, but at the end of the day, I was still going home empty handed. There was no little one there excited to see me and go home with me. No one was crying mommy for me. I wasn't the one they wanted when they were sad. I was a temporary fix, but I'm not mommy. I feel like I have lost my identity and I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do if I'm not a mom.

Congratulations!!

2009-10-01T13:57:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS to Infertility Goddess. She posted this comment a couple days ago:
I feel guilty telling a happy story--but I just saw the TWO heartbeats of my babies thanks to infertility treatments. I'm at 10 weeks now and praying they keep growing. It really is a miracle. We went to Dr. Heiner in Draper and are SO grateful for the fertility clinic there. AMAZING! We continue to pray for each of you, I understand at least a bit of how you feel. Side note: if you have PCOS or have symptoms ASK FOR METFORMIN...it's amazing. It made me feel a hundred times better, helped me lose weight finally, AND partly helped me get pregnant. Miracle drug :)
Don't feel guilty at all, we're so happy for you!! TWO heart beats, what an amazing miracle and blessing!! I hope everything continues to go well for you. I love success stories because they give us hope that we can do it too. Congratulations again, and keep us posted on how you and your babies are doing.

Adoption Diaries

2009-09-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else seen Adoption Diaries on WEtv? I wasn't sure that I wanted to get into it because I knew I'd get hooked, and I was worried it would be too emotional for me. Well, I was watching The Locator, which also makes me emotional (but I still love it!), and Adoption Diaries just started right after that. I was intrigued by the woman's story and then I couldn't turn it off. I ended up watching two episodes, which both ended with the adoptive parents getting to take home their babies, but of course, for the drama, they make it seem as if that might not happen. Gosh! What an emotional roller coaster! I really have to applaud those couples/families in the adoption process. They are so incredibly strong and understanding, it's amazing.
The women's stories were sounding a little too familiar and it was making me sad and scared. One of the adopting moms said that she had 4 miscarriages and learned that she has an auto immune type disease where her body thinks the pregnancy is a foreign body to be expelled. She said that she'd hear a heart beat one week, then it'd be gone a short time later. That of course got me wondering and worried if I have the same problem. I tried to look it up on the internet, but I don't know what this particular ailment is called, and I couldn't find it. However, I did find other articles/comments about miscarriage, and those just led me down hill. It only made me more upset to hear the "doctor" respond that there is nothing you can do to prevent miscarriage, it's just nature's way of getting rid of what wouldn't make it anyways; and then to read what all the other women were going through, it was heart breaking.
Here is my advice: Don't search the internet for answers to your fears or concerns. Most of the time, it only makes them worse, and chances are, that stuff doesn't apply to you anyways. It's best to ask your doctor any questions or concerns you have. Every woman, couple and situation is so individual, I don't think we can ever compare ourselves exactly.
Good luck with all your efforts, let us know how it's going!

Finally Some Direction!

2009-09-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

A month after making the appointment, I finally saw my new doctor today! It was a really interesting appointment. No pleasantries, we all met and said hello, then he started asking about our history, have you done this test? What were the results of that test? Have you done this or that? And so on... From there he said ok, we're going to do a blood test on you next week to test progesterone and a couple other things. Then we're going to do a "hamster egg penetration" test with a sample from My Love. I've never heard of this, but I guess they put his sample together with hamster eggs to see if his sperm can penetrate them. I couldn't help but laugh at this! I wanted to ask if his sperm penetrates the hamster eggs, would we get to keep our hamster babies? Then a few days after my next period we'll do a dye test to make sure my tubes are open and my uterus is shaped right. He also gave me a pregnancy safe prescription for my anxiety. Wah Hoo!! I really hope it works. And, I don't have to take the progesterone this month, Yay! I think that made me a little moody ;)
So, all in all, I didn't get any answers to our problems but I'm happy that I feel like we have some direction. I was very pleased with his confidence and feel that he really knows what he's doing and will do what he can to help us. Let's hope all these tests give us the answers we need.
How is your fertility progress going?

Fertility Doctors at St. Marks?

2009-09-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

Megan has a great question!

I was just wondering if anybody knows any good doctors at St. Marks Hospital that are a little more aggressive with their fertility treatment. My sister is trying to get pregnant and she can't go to my doctor!

Thank You!

2009-09-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

I just want to say thank you to everyone for all your sweet comments. I'm feeling much better now. Not so bummed out at least. I'm still doing my best to keep busy. And yes, junk food helps! Sometimes I really want to curse these hormones, but then again, without them, we wouldn't ever be able to bare children, right?
All I can say is, I LOVE Sundays! Even if nothing specific happens, I always feel better when I'm at church and then bring that good feeling home. Too bad it kinda wears off by Monday eh. But we'll keep trying!
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend and have a wonderful short week! Let me know if you are feeling bummed out, or if you have any questions you want to ask that someone else here might be able to answer. Or let me know if you are having success or frustrations. I want to know what's going on with all of you! Thanks for all your support to me and each other.

Bummed Out

2009-09-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

I really try to be positive most of the time, but these last few days I have been really bummed.
Warning: Lots of whining beyond this point, proceed at your own risk!
I'm not really sure what's going on... I like to blame all my emotions on hormones, because we all know things are going crazy in here! When I cry at a Disney Channel movie, I think it's safe to blame hormones, so I am going to go with that.
I quit my job thinking/hoping that I would feel better, have less stress and anxiety, have more time to get things done and to do things I enjoy, eat better, and mostly just enjoy life! So far, I have been tired, anxious, grumpy, lazy, unmotivated, sad, and a hermit. Total opposite of what I was trying to achieve! I tried to go to bed earlier and get up earlier; I tried creating projects and things to do; I tried thinking of errands to run; nothing is really having a lasting effect. Then I'm feeling guilty because I worry that my parents think I'm just being a lazy mooch.
I really thought quitting my job would help relieve my stress and anxiety, I could eat better, and finally gain some weight that I've lost from all that. So far... nothing. I've still felt anxious a lot, I'm not really eating differently, and I'm not gaining weight! How can I get pregnant if I don't gain weight? This was the whole purpose for our plans.
I thought progesterone was going to be the answer I have been looking for since my first miscarriage in December of 2006. So far, no pregnancy... it just makes me start my period. I'm so confused, lost, upset, frustrated, sad, and hopeless. I tried looking up info on progesterone online yesterday. I read some questions and answers, and a blog of a girl who had the same problem as me, and progesterone worked for her! You'd think that would make me feel better, like it will work for me. No, it made me feel the opposite! I just keep getting more upset with my previous Dr. and his lack of knowledge, attention, and help to me. I have an appointment with my new Dr. but it's not for another 2 weeks. (He was a month out!) It can't come soon enough. I'm also looking for a mental health professional because I'm worried I can't handle all this on my own. There you have it. My secret. I'm crazy and need help!
My Love has been very supportive and so sweet, but that just feels like a band aide on a broken leg. We have also been asked to speak in our ward. Public speaking is not something I enjoy, nor am I good at. Normally, if I just use my time to prepare I can feel ok about it, but I have no motivation to prepare. All I can do is think about how scary it's going to be, and am I going to be able to curb my anxiety enough to make it through the meeting.
I have cramps. No one likes cramps, but they really just make me sad, and angry. It's like every cramp is a slap in the face, you're still NOT pregnant! Way to add insult to injury. All I want to do is lay in bed in my jammies, eat cookies and fried food, and watch mindless movies. But then my brain tells me that's disgusting and not productive. Get up and do something, and you'll feel better. Well, I'm up, I've showered, I've played on the internet, and I still feel terrible. Maybe I need to go outside, get some fresh air and sun. I'll try that.
I'm sorry to anyone that actually read through this whole post. I usually try to put a positive spin on things, no matter how I'm feeling, but not today. Better luck tomorrow.

Inspiring Words

2009-08-31T15:55:00.001-07:00

"Don't give up... Don't you quit... There is help and happiness ahead - a lot of it... You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." -- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"Tough times don't last, but tough people do." -- On the cover of a book I saw

What are some things that you have heard, read, or people have said to you that have helped you through some of those really tough days?

Know Any Good Dr.s?

2009-08-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Jordyn asked:
I have a good friend in Provo who is dealing with infertility and is looking for Doctor recommendations. Would you mind passing along names of the Doctor(s) you liked? A good dr. is worth their weight in gold. Thanks!

I think this question can be expanded to any doctors in the Salt Lake/Utah Valley area.

Kenna's Writing a Book!

2009-08-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

I copied this post from Kenna's Blog.

I like writing.
Obviously.
Now, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm good, it just means I have found an outlet that really helps me cope and move through some hard, HARD situations in life. This is a blessing.
A blessing I tell you.
I have been able to tell my story to so many people via this blog. In return, I have met some of the most amazing individuals. I wouldn't have been in contact with them if my life had taken a different turn. This is a classic example of your trials really enhancing your life.
So, my friends, let's enhance our lives. Let's help enhance others' lives.
I know there are so many women that have read my blog who have been in the same, or similar, situations before. Struggling with infertility and all that it entails. From treatments, to procedures, to adoption. The medication, the appointments, the despair. So many of you haven't told your story. I know it's hard. This is such a private battle.
But...
Maybe...
You would like to share now?
I want to put together a book. (Most likely via blurb) I want to put all of these stories into one compilation. I have been wanting to write a book for so long, but I realized I can't touch as many people as ALL OF US can touch. There are so many stories, situations and because every one's experience with infertility differs, we need a 'book' that will offer many different stories and experiences of disappointment, and hope, and faith. Of trial and error. Of loss, of gain, of blessings.
Now, see, I can't do this without your help.
So please, if you would like to share your story, if you would like to be involved, get in touch with me. I would love for ANYONE who wants to be a part of this project to, well, be a part of this project. I think it could help heal wounds, broaden horizons, and help us connect and again, enhance our lives.
So, will you join me?
Will you?
Email me: kennagoesemo(at)gmail(dot)com
Please, spread the word. Post it on your blog. If you know someone who might be interested in participating, let them know. Also, to all my wonderful anonymous commenters who have shared experiences, join in.
UPDATE
After talking with on of my besties, Lauren, I am thinking I want to include some experiences from those of you who have friends & family dealing with infertility. How you feel, what you think helps, what you think doesn't, etc. So, if there are any of you who would like to participate in that as well, just lemme know.

Fertility Injections

2009-08-13T14:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if everyone saw these comments, but I thought Heather had some GREAT information that might be helpful to others.
Infertility Goddess Asked:
How were the injections? That is my next step and I'm terrified about them. Would you mind walking me through how they work and how they made you feel? Did your husband have to give them to you? My husband is terrified...as am I.
Heather Answered:
Sorry - small book ahead!! I just wish I had someone who could have explained it to me and I tend to write a lot:)! If you want to leave your email I can email you too!They really aren't that bad (well, not great but doable:)! I would make sure you have an appt with your dr to specifically walk through the whole process bc each dr does it a little different. I used Follistim (brand name) that had a shot "pen" that came with it - it was REALLY easy to calculate the dose (you can google the brand). I also made sure to order the drugs a few weeks before I started so I had it waiting and ready to go. I know some you have to mix in water and blend but I would ask for this if you can (don't be afraid to ask for what you want or at least have him explain why he chose something different!). They are tiny vials you put in the pen and then twist to the dosage you need and do the injection. I am not afraid of needles so I might be biased but the needle is seriously TINY. It is a little freaky to jab it in, but if you do it fast it is almost painless! Although there was bruising and some bruise more than others. I found it easier to give it to myself than my husband(he is squeamish) but I know others that had their husbands or moms do it. I started on day three and then had a shot every night, I had ultrasounds about every other day (he did them in the morning before work which was such a blessing) to monitor the growth of the eggs - which is actually really cool to see and to know something is really working! When they reach the right size they have you take a trigger shot (had to mix, bigger needle but at least it was only one shot and I treated myself to ice cream after:)) I would also ask your dr how many eggs they allow for your age, mine wouldn't go above 4 bc the risks were too high, which I appreciated. 36 hours later they did the IUI. My dr wouldn't do injectables without IUI bc if you are going to do all of that work give it the best shot possible even in there isn't anything wrong with the little swimmers! It isn't super planned bc they don't know how your body will respond -this was super frustrating since I am a complete planner but I just did a lot of deep breathing:)I did have some side effects - serious bloating, blah feeling, tired and more emotional and everyone is different. I made sure I didn't have a lot planned and going on that month. Eating protein(bars and egg whites) and fiber helped with the side effects. I would also make sure to check with insurance, mine covered the drugs and ultrasounds but not the actual procedure - it is just good to be prepared. One more thing to be aware of is that the chances of getting preg the first time compared to the 6th time are the same, even though it seems like it cant fail the first time doesn't mean it wont work later (found this out after my major meltdown when the first round didn't work). You can TOTALLY DO THIS!! It is hard and even more frustrating when you don't know if it will even work ever but you keep going! Just make sure to plan some pedicures for yourself and load up on ice cream:)

Heather's Success Story

2009-08-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

I hope she doesn't mind, but I really enjoyed Heather's comments on the last post, and wanted to post her story as strength and encouragement for us. It's always nice to hear success stories to bring us back up and help us feel like we can do it too!
- Heather -
I normally have nothing to say but get strength from you girls! I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and for the last 1.5 years have been on progesterone from day 16 to day 28 -with the test on day 28 and then go off if Negative (lots and lots of negatives). I know all of our stories are a little different - mine was I just wasn't getting pregnant(and we tested EVERYTHING) but had some spotting every month so they thought to put me on progesterone just to see (sounds like California is a little more aggressive that other places). It didn't get me pregnant but I started injectables and iui this year and to my GREAT surprise got pregnant after a few rounds and have been on progesterone for 10 weeks now and still crossing my fingers/toes and anything else I can think of. My dr will take me off it after 13 weeks when the baby starts making its own progesterone. My dr said there really isn't anything harmful to be on it so why not be on the safe side!!
I use the brand name Crinone- which I would highly recommend. I know they do shots which are painful and capsule inserts which melt and are messy. The crinone (sorry to be graphic) is like a little tampon that squirts cream up into you - it gets a little clumpy but it stays and works well. I know you can take it once or twice a day and I take mine every morning. There are a few side effect - I got a little depressed and more tired but didn't have the other side effects, I know others and it is just trying and seeing to how you react - but doable which is good!! It is actually what they put all of the girls on who do injectables or ivf that I have talked to.I know this is a long comment, I hope some of this helps!! And my thoughts are with you!
Sorry, I wanted to add one more clarification - the dr specifically told me to take it 2 days after I saw the lh surge on the pee sticks - which for me was consistently on day 14, so I started taking it on day 16. You don't want to take it before you ovulate so it doesn't mess up your cycle! Also I never bled, do you have a dr you feel comfortable asking? It took me a little bit (actually had a dr that laughed bc he thought at 25 I shouldn't worry about having babies...) but I finally found a dr (RE) that had a way to reach him on an answering machine to ask him questions that didn't need an appointment but brought me a little peace of mind - cause it is so frustrating being on new drugs!!
Thanks so much for sharing Heather!
Ya, I wondered about starting the progesterone on day 14 and how that would effect ovulation. My Dr. wasn't real clear on how it all worked, and I guess I didn't know enough to ask all the questions. I appreciate your experience with progesterone, that really helps a lot!
Well, I spotted for about 5 days, and it has stopped now, but I also stopped taking the progesterone on Saturday because I'm not pregnant. It's now Monday and no period yet. I hope I didn't mess things up. I'm a little concerned. There's a woman in my ward, a good family friend, who works for an OB/GYN with fertility specialty. I plan to talk to her soon and see if I can get in to this Dr. I'm not so confident in my previous Dr.'s infertility knowledge. I know he knows stuff, but he's a family practice Dr., so I didn't feel like I was getting all my needs met. I'm excited to start with a new Dr. and hopefully have some success soon. My mom said this guy is good and he's the one that all the girls go to to help them get pregnant. We'll see :)

What Do You Want to Talk About? and My Update.

2009-08-05T17:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back in touch with the electronic world! WOO HOO!

I've had a lot of great comments on the last few posts, so I hope we can get it rolling again. I'm happy to see us supporting each other and sharing our ideas and opinions.

I'm not really sure what to post about because you guys haven't told me what topics are of interest to you, so I'll just start by giving an update about what's been going on with me.

In the middle of all of the craziness of moving, I found out I was pregnant, and 2 days later confirmed that I was miscarrying again. The hard thing for me was that I just thought it was one of those really long cycle months, and we weren't even "trying", so I didn't expect to pregnant. I still get upset that I didn't find out sooner so I could have gotten help sooner! Maybe I could have made a difference and kept this one!

When my period still hadn't come on the last day I thought possible, I took a test, still expecting a negative. When I saw it was positive, I couldn't believe it, but knew I had to get to my Dr. right away. He told me I needed to get progesterone as soon as I got pregnant again, so I went in thinking they would write me a prescription and I'd be on my way. Unfortunately they said I had to have a blood test first and they would get the results on Monday and let me know if I needed progesterone. I wasn't happy about that, but there was nothing I could do. The next day I thought I saw some discoloration and called the on-call Dr. (b/c it was a Saturday). He basically said there's nothing we can do one way or another so just wait until your Dr. calls you on Monday. Again, not what I wanted to hear. I didn't see anything else the rest of the day, so I thought maybe I was just paranoid and spent the rest of the day laying in bed holding my tummy and promising that baby that if it would just stay in there I would take really good care of it. Unfortunately by Sunday, it was obvious it was over. On Monday the Dr.'s office called and told me my progesterone level was low, so they would supplement me. I told them no need, I had already lost it. They got me in with my Dr. the next day. We discovered from the blood test that I was already miscarrying by the time I found out I was pregnant. My HCG level was about 640ish, which is no where near it should be for being almost 6 weeks along. Also, my progesterone level was 4.something, which was normal for someone who isn't pregnant, so they said I would need a progesterone supplement. So he prescribed some for me to take from day 14 to 28, then take a pregnancy test, and if I'm not pregnant, stop taking it and have a period, then start again on day 14. Has anyone else done this? About a week after I started the progesterone I started spotting/bleeding for the next week. I'm not sure if I was supposed to be concerned about that, but I figured it was just a hormonal adjustment thing, or I hadn't expelled everything from the miscarriage. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? What happened? What did you do? This part is just all kinda new to me. So now we're just playing the "wait and see what happens" game again.
Anyways, I want to know what you guys want to talk about! Does anyone know more about hormone supplements, such as progesterone, or others? How do they work? How have they worked for you? How are things going for you in the growing people process? Any success yet? We want to share and draw strength from your success! We also want to support those of us who are having a hard time. Talk about anything. The next topic of discussion is up to YOU!

Infertility Etiquette

2009-07-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

Just a follow up on a previous post about how to talk to people who are having infertility issues. My good friend sent me a link to this article, and it looks great. Let me know what you think.
Infertility Etiquette

Temporary Leave of Absence

2009-07-13T15:11:00.001-07:00

Well friends, I am actually in the middle of a move, and my Internet will be turning off tomorrow. Unfortunately I won't be able to post for a few weeks, but I hope you will all continue to leave comments about how you are doing, any questions or subjects you want to talk about, and continue to create connections with each other for support. I wish there was a better way of posting here, like a note board or something, so we can all be connected to each other and have a place to go when good or bad things happen and we want to talk. Let me know what you guys think. Also, you are always welcome to email me at iwannagrowpeople.gmail.com. I will be checking my emails often (I just can't use blogger, dumb work restrictions ;) Stay strong everyone, you are all so wonderful and good things will happen soon, for all of us!

The Infertility Goddess' Story

2009-07-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

My story isn't anything much at all. But the thing that is important is that it is my story.
I married the most perfect man ever at the age of 20. Boy was I mature then...not. He and I had been junior high and high school sweethearts and I never have doubted that he was my prince charming. I always had a gut feeling that I would have a difficult time becoming pregnant. I've always been pretty sick with periods and such and so I felt like there must be something different about me. Once we began trying my husband continued to tell me that he was sure it was all in my head and that I would be able to get pregnant immediately. I began to convince myself of the same thing. We were both wrong. We tried for a year, and we all know how fun filled that can be sometimes. I went to speak with my OBGYN and he told me that I wasn't ovulating. Well duh...is that what a 5 month cycle means :). So, they put me on our best friend, clomid. Each month was the same old thing. Blood test=.04 progesterone level. Nothing. I continued on this road for about 6 months, 6 months full of heartache and tears. Finally I went for another opinion at the fertility clinic. I was diagnosed with PCOS and Endometriosis. That makes some more sense. No wonder I gained about 45 pounds and had facial hair and felt sick all the time. I've been on metformin and femara and provera for a few months now. For the first time in our experience I had a positive ovulation test last Friday. We took videos of it. I go in for that infamous blood test tomorrow, wish me luck. I come from a family of five fertile women who amaze me and have always supported me. I feel blessed to have them. I constantly find myself upset that others can seem to simply wash their jeans with their spouse (or even some guy on the street) and end up with a beautiful baby. I truly believe there is a reason for everything, I just wish it didn't have to be so hurtful to those of us who suffer. There it is. Nothing earth shattering, but it hurts me just the same.

Love,
The infertility goddess

I just want to say, don't give up! I know several people with these same problems, and they have had babies. It can happen, just not always when we want it to. Stay strong, and we all hope the best for you in the coming weeks! Keep us updated on how things are going. I have hope and faith for success for you, and all of us here who want to start our families.

Ovulation Tests?

2009-07-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

I have some questions about the best ways to figure out when you are most fertile. For those who are actively trying, or have had success or failure with some products, what do you think?

What do you think about ovulation tests? Do they work for you? What kind do you use? What about fertility monitors? Have you ever used one? How do they work? What methods have you used for figuring out your most fertile days? If it's not too personal, how often do you do "the baby dance" to optimize your chances?

I have used ovulation tests with some success, and some failure. I also bought this really expensive monitor, but it didn't do the trick, although it may have been thrown off because I was on Clomid at the time (even though it has a setting to account for that). Anyways, I'm just really curious what you have tried and how it's worked!

This is the monitor I bought. You put it on your tongue every morning and it tests your electrolytes or something. Then there is a vaginal sensor too you use during certain days of your cycle and it's supposed to test something there too. I forget, I haven't used it for a long time. Maybe I should start again.

How Should Fertile Myrtle Talk to You?

2009-07-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

My friend Courtney sent me these questions the other day. I think they are really great, and I wish I had the answers. What do you think?

She said:
I never know what to say when people have fertility problems. I don't want to be insensitive, but I want them to know that I care. I want them to know they can talk to me, but I don't want to be nosy.
Is it ok to ask questions if someone tells you she had a miscarriage or that she has fertility problems?
Is it helpful to hear stories of other people you know?
What is the best way to tell a friend you are pregnant if you know they are struggling?

A few of my thoughts:
Well for me, obviously, I don't mind if people ask me questions about my fertility problems. I was maybe a little more reserved at first, because it can be embarrassing sometimes, or just hard to talk about because it makes me sad. I think it's ok to ask questions, and maybe pay attention to how they are answering as to whether they want to really talk about it or not. For some people it feels really good to talk it out, others prefer to be more private.
I really like to hear other people's stories because I feel like I have a buddy (for lack of a better word, I can't think), someone who understands what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. Someone who doesn't judge me for the terrible/angry thoughts I have. Someone to make me feel normal and validated in my feelings. I hate to say misery loves company, but it's kinda true. Not that any of us ever wanted to be in this situation, or would ever wish it on any of our friends, but it's nice to know there is someone who understands.
And that last question, I think that's the hardest. I'm still not sure the best way. My brother called me after work while I was waiting for My Love and just said it, like he was telling me they bought a puppy or something. It was big news, but he didn't make a huge deal out of it. Somehow, that helped. At least to us, they didn't make a huge production out of it, like neener neener neener. I think it's best to hear it from that friend or family member too. I think it's worse when you find out with the rest of the world on a blog or facebook post. But that's just me.

What are your thoughts?

Now, I have another question from this side. I have always been hesitant to make friends with other women who have babies because I love babies so much and I don't want them to think I only want to be friends with them because they have a baby. So, I either just avoid them, or I kind of ignore their baby until we are better friends, so she knows I really want to be friends with her, not just her baby. Is this totally stupid? Am I the only crazy one who thinks this much about dumb things? I guess, I'm just wondering how people with babies feel about having friends without babies.

In the News Today

2009-07-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

I saw this story in the news today.

Plea deal in the works for man accused of beating pregnant girl
July 8th, 2009 @ 11:26am
SALT LAKE CITY -- A plea deal could soon be reached in the case of a man accused of beating a pregnant woman so she would have a miscarriage.
Arron Harrison is currently charged with second-degree felony attempted homicide in connection with the beating in May.
Prosecutors say the 17-year-old girl asked Harrison to help her terminate her pregnancy, and he did so by punching her repeatedly in the stomach.
The Salt Lake Tribune reports lawyers for Harrison told a judge on Tuesday they are working with prosecutors to bring the case to a conclusion without going to trial.
The 17-year-old has already pleaded guilty to second-degree felony criminal solicitation to commit murder.
The baby survived the attack and will be placed in care of the state after birth.

I have to say, I did not have nice thoughts after reading this. I know kids are stupid and some think they should be pardoned because their brains aren't developed enough to tell them just how stupid they are... but honestly... I was thinking that this kid should not get off on a plea deal, and the girl should not be able to ever get pregnant again (not that we have any control over that). Maybe that's too harsh, but that is how stories like this make me feel. There are so many wonderful people out there who want to have families more than anything, and stupid teenagers do things like this.
Sorry, I'm off my soap box now.

McKenna's Story

2009-07-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry it took me so long to get this posted McKenna. I think it's a really important story, and thank you so much for sharing it with all of us.

There is not an easy way to tell such stories.
These experiences have broken my heart, crushed my faith, stolen my hope. But, and there is a but, if one person can read this and say, 'I can make it,' then I will have not suffered these trials in vain. Isn't that the point? We are here to help each other. To love and understand and lift up. Maranda, you are going to touch so many people. Thank you for allowing me to share these things in hopes that I can do the same.
No one has a 5 year plan that says, 'Lose your baby, have a brain tumor, live happily ever after.'
Trust me, these weren't my thoughts either.
When I got married at the ripe age of 21, I was full of hopes and dreams. I don't think I was diluted, but I think I was not aware of the situations that could come my way. My husband and I didn't really want kids, especially not right away. We decided that after school and careers had been establish then we would discuss the idea of being parents. I was engaged for 5 months, and you had better believe that the week after J proposed I was on birth control. Well, did you hear about how it works like, 99.9% of the time? I must have awesome odds, because a couple weeks after I was married (and yes, I was taking my pills RELIGIOUSLY) I became pregnant. My doc just shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Well, it happens. It doesn't work 100% of the time ya know.' Well, okay. I am ashamed to share with you my reaction to said pregnancy. I cried. Hard. Not because I was happy either. I was devastated. I saw all my dreams going down the crapper. I was surrounded by 7 different pregnancy tests, all showing a positive result, when my husband found me. He was much more excited, bless his sweet soul, but it took me a while to warm up to the idea of being a mother. At 21. My pregnancy was hard. I ended up getting kidney stones, infections, bed rest. 2 days before Christmas I started spotting and cramping. J rushed me to the ER and we both heaved a huge sigh of relief to know that it was just a little tear, and that our baby was just fine. The ultrasound showed an active, healthy baby. Christmas carried on as planned. I was tired and sick, but knowing that my child was safe, I could handle that. I had grown to love this little being inside me. After seeing the baby on the screen, hearing the heartbeat, I realized I was a part of something so much bigger than I ever thought I could be. One week later I fell ill again. I was rushed to the hospital and put on IV's, and was told that my body was under a lot of stress, but baby was doing fine. They just wanted to get 'mommy' healthy.
How I wish that I was prepared more for what was about to happen.
That night I went home from the hospital, I felt like a bomb had gone off in my body. For the sake of making sure this story doesn't take up way more space than is necessary, I lost my daughter at almost 20 weeks. She had died, simple as that. To make it even worse, there was no answer. No reason. My doctor had no idea what had happened. I was admitted, again, to the hospital, where I went through 12 hours of induced labor (with only morphine mind you) only to deliver and say goodbye to my dead daughter. After I held her for a few brief moments, they took her away. I have no doubt that they took my heart with them as they disappeared from my room with my daughter.
MY daughter.
The next year, well, I don't remember much of it. I didn't know how to mourn our child. (Whom we had named Addalyn Liese upon finding out we were going to have a girl) I felt lost and alone and worst of all, cheated. This created more of a desire in me to be a mother. We tried, only to lose 2 more pregnancies. I will say that we were blessed to not have to go through our first experience again. These losses were 8 weeks along.
The next series of events came so fast and so hard that I still can't believe they happened.
I was diagnosed with a septum in my uterus. That is no bueno. Then I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) accompanied by pre-mature ovarian failure, which consequently, tosses my body into menopause. I decided against the surgery, at that time, to take out the septum, but decided to take Clomid (which I like to call satan's favorite drug) and Metoformin to see if we could control the PCOS and possibly get pregnant. That was short lived. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor in November of '07, just a month and a half shy of a year from our first loss.
Um, right. Me? Brain tumor? No, really?
I looked at those scans over and over again. I was too young (22) to be going through this. The tumor was in the middle of my brain, pushing on optic nerves, crushing my pituitary gland and pushing into my brain. I affectionately named the tumor Tubby (as I had gained oh, 80lbs from him) and was sent to a neurosurgeon to asses our options.
I had brain surgery in February of '08. I almost died in the ICU because my heart became to weak. I was left with only 1/2 a pituitary gland and really bad eyesight. Oh, and did I mention they told me I would NEVER be able to conceive?
Ever.
No, like ever.
It's been a little over a year since my surgery. My husband and I continue to attempt to cope with our situation. Adoption is our eventual plan, but right now we are just trying to accept our life. To heal. We have been blessed with family and friends who have picked up our shattered pieces. We also have those who shatter our hopes once we've attempted to put it all together. There are people who love, people who hurt, and we have to navigate life knowing that I will never be pregnant again, that we will never experience what we have desired so deeply. I am in no way saying Adoption isn't going to be amazing, that it isn't going to fill those void, but this, infertility, is so complex and hard to wrap your head around. Why when so many women out there, who probably should NOT be having babies, can have them when I am left stranded and barren.
I won't say that I know the answers. That I understand it. I don't. I don't think that in the term of my mortal life I will. I have to learn to be okay with that. It's hard when what you want is what you can't have. When you have to fight tooth and nail for something that comes so naturally 90% of the time.
Oh, how blessed to be a statistic.
I hope that those of you who are traveling this road know that there is compensation, there is peace, even if I don't believe it at times. I believe that finding connections with those who are enduring like trials can byou you and help you through the black days. You, in turn, will be able to offer that same love and hope for something else. Living through this is a war with yourself sometimes, trust me I know, but it's doable. Even when you have NO clue how you got out of bed this morning.
Being LDS brings a whole new level of complexity and confusion, at least for me, and it's hard for me to express those feelings. I have spent a lot of time being mad at God, and just within the past 6 to 12 months have come back to 'the church.
To all of you, and to Maranda, thank you for being brave, for being strong, and for bringing me comfort.
McKenna's Blog

My Thought For the Day

2009-07-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

I really want to have a little baby to hold, and hug and kiss, and take cute pictures and video of. I want a baby to show off to all my friends and family and have them tell me how adorable he/she is. I seem to always wish I had a baby more around holidays, you know when everyone is getting together. I just can't stop thinking about that today. Anyone else have those days when it seems to consume all your thoughts?

What is your thought for the day?

I hope you all have a fantastic 4th of July weekend!

Being Happy For Others

2009-06-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

One thing that I have struggled with is how to be happy for friends and family when they get pregnant and have babies, and I'm still feeling empty. It's been a hard thing for me, and I'm certainly not perfect at it still, but I feel like I have been able to overcome this crummy feeling a bit.
The first girl I remember being really upset with/jealous of was one of my visiting teachers. She came over a few days, maybe a week, after I had my first miscarriage. They started with the usual questions, where are you from? are you in school? how long have you been married? do you have any kids? Of course when it came to the last question, I just said no, or not yet, and then passed the question right back, because I knew neither of them had kids. Well, the one sister, let's call her Beth, said "Actually, we're having our first." According to my calculations, she was due about the same time I would have been. That just about shattered my heart again. Of course I couldn't say anything, I hardly knew these girls. So I just held it in till they left. Then I cried.
As the months went on I tried to avoid Beth and the baby subject. I could hardly stand to watch her adorable pregnant belly grow, and couldn't help but think if mine would have looked the same. I dreaded going to church and I felt like I had isolated myself because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was afraid I would find out they were pregnant too, because in my ward, EVERYONE is pregnant. I was beginning to wonder, where is this fertility fountain they are all obviously drinking from?
When I heard that Beth had her baby, I was feeling so terrible for being upset with her. Why was I upset with HER? My experiences and feelings had nothing to do with her! She had no idea what I was going through, and I felt like it wasn't fair for me to be acting that way. So, I went to the store, I bought a pack of newborn diapers and a bow, and I called Beth and asked her if I could come visit. She very sweetly said I could. I decided I was going to give Beth the diapers as an action of faith, because I knew that if I could quit having a pity party for myself, and do something for someone else, then Heavenly Father would help heal my broken heart.
She invited me in, and asked if I wanted to hold her baby. Of course! We sat and chatted, and she told me how he was a miracle baby. They were surprised that she could get pregnant because of some reproductive problems she had. Then she had some really scary things happen during delivery. I remember having a total paradigm shift at that moment! This baby was their miracle, and who am I to take that away from them?
There have been several other occasions when I have felt hard hearted toward a pregnant friend, and I have tried to set aside those feelings and do something nice for them. In the end, I have made some incredible friendships, and I have grown as a person. I have started feeling a little less sad for myself, and happier for others. I found that I really enjoy holding with those babies, and then giving them back when they poop all over themselves! I learned that life is too short to spend all your time feeling bad for yourself. And I have learned that it's really hard to be upset with someone when you're serving them. This lesson has come in handy in a lot of aspects of my life. I'm also grateful to My Love who helps me remember these things when I find myself getting off track.
I still get a little sad when I hear that my friends are having their second baby, before I can even have my first. I still get that sting in my heart when I hear about girls who were Mia Maids when I was a Laurel, are now pregnant before me. But then I think, who am I to take away their joy? I can be sad for myself, and still be happy for them. I don't have to kill myself trying to overcompensate for my sad feelings, but sometimes a small act of service goes a long way in helping yourself, and the people you serve.

What's Your Story?

2009-06-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

Just a quick, funny little Bible story.
My Love and I have been reading The Old Testament. Tonight we read this story about Sarai and her husband Abram. Sarai was barren, so she asked Abram to go be with her handmaid, Hagar, to bare them a child. Being such an obedient husband ;), he did, and Hagar of course got pregnant. Hagar then despised Sarai and ran away. Then an angel came and told Hagar to go back to Sarai, and that she would bare a son to Abram and name him Ishmael.
Now, maybe it was just me, but I found this story to be a little comical. I guess that's one way to get a baby, but sorry, you won't catch me "sharing" My Love!

Ok, now the real reason for this post.
For me, starting this blog was the first opportunity I had to really tell my whole story of our fertility troubles. It was actually quite nice and therapeutic, and not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Then, after reading through some of the links you guys have posted, I have seen just how blessed I have been in my trials. A lot of you have experienced such heavy heartache, and I am lifted up to see your perseverance and positive attitudes.
I'd like to hear more of your stories and possibly use them in future posts. You never know who might read your story and feel a connection because they're experiencing the same thing you are.
If you'd like to post your story you can either do so in a comment or email me at iwannagrowpeople@gmail.com. You don't have to give your real name if you don't want to. I'll probably just make one up, if that's ok. Just let me know if you would like me to omit any information if I were to post your story.

Adoption?

2009-06-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

There have been a few comments about adoption, so I just wanted to address my situation on this matter.
I am all for adoption! I know a lot of people who have done it, and some wonderful success stories, as well as a few not so successful stories. I am in no way against adoption, I have even looked in to it a little bit, but for us, it's just not the right time. I believe this is a very personal decision between you, your spouse, and The Lord.
I have no direct experience with adoption, therefore I feel unqualified to speak on this matter. I know there are a lot of great books, websites and blogs out there to help, but unfortunately, this isn't one of them. If you would like to post any links to adoption websites or blogs for anyone reading this that might be interested, that would be wonderful! It's great when we can help each other find what we're looking for.

What Do You Do?

2009-06-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

First off, I want to thank everyone for your overwhelming support of this new venture. I'm so humbled by all your sweet comments and I know that I have been truly blessed with wonderful friends and family. I couldn't make it through life without all of you!

Disclaimer: If I ever tell stories about any of my friends, I will either not mention names, or change the names, or ask their permission first. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or exposed.

The other day, a friend called me in tears because she just found out that ANOTHER one of her friends is pregnant. She's been having a difficult time for a while now, and she may be feeling, as many of us do, there is no end. I was very touched when she said "I didn't know who else to call." I wanted to cry with her, because I know the pain she is going through. I searched for just the right things to tell her to make her feel better, but I felt so inadequate. I'm afraid I just babbled.

When I am feeling this way, one of my friends always tells me that it's ok to be upset, angry, frustrated, sad, and even jealous. She listens and validates my feelings and allows me to not feel so guilty for having them. This has been one of the biggest helps to me because I am able to work through those feelings, and then move on.

So here I am, telling YOU, when your best friend, your sister, your sister-in-law, your aunt, your cousin, your coworker, even your mother tells you they are pregnant...

It's OK to be upset
It's OK to be angry
It's OK to be frustrated
It's OK to be jealous
It's OK to cry

Allow yourself to have those feelings, then, recognize and identify each one individually. NOW, it's time to release those feelings so you can go on and deal with the rest of your day or week.

Some suggestions for release:
1. Write in a journal: I find writing to be very therapeutic. Others may prefer drawing, painting, or doing crafts. I write about my thoughts and feelings -uncut and uncensored- Sometimes I even write letters. Just remember, don't send the letters, and you only have to share your writings if you want to.
2. Talk to a close friend, family member, or spouse: They can provide physical support, and sometimes you just need someone who will listen and not judge you.
3. Pray: Go someplace quiet where you can be alone, and pour your heart out to your loving Heavenly Father. Cry all those tears you have been holding in for days, weeks, even months! Even if you're sobbing, He still understands the words you say.
4. Go for a walk: Exercise releases endorphins which make your brain feel happy. Sometimes the best thing to do is to get away, look at the big picture in life, and forget the whole thing.

These are just a few things that I have found bring me comfort when I get overwhelmed by all the baby bellies. What do you do when you find yourself hitting your limits?

Introduction

2009-06-20T14:04:00.001-07:00

(I'm sorry this is really long, but I'll try to break it up into paragraphs to make for easier reading)

I thought I would get the ball rolling by posting my story. I don't post much on my personal blog about our struggles because I don't want to come off as whining, but I think this is the perfect place for all of us to tell our stories.
I married My Love in Aug. 2004. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, but we thought it would be smart to wait until I finished school. Plus, those two years would give us plenty of time to get to know each other and start our happy life together. So, May of 2006 I quit taking birth control. We tried all summer long, according to the online ovulation calculators. Unfortunately, we were always way off because my cycles were a lot longer that those calculators planned for.
When we weren't pregnant after 6 months of trying, we went in to my OB/GYN, as instructed, just to see if we could get any answers. He told me to use the at home ovulation (pee stick) tests and when I got a positive to call them, and they would make some appointments for me to get some ultrasounds done to make sure I was in fact ovulating. My cycles were really long and varied, so this was something they wanted to rule out.
That November, I did as the Dr. said, and during the next week of ultrasounds, the technician just kept telling me that the ovary(s) was getting bigger. I guess that meant it was just taking longer to burst. So we kept doing the "baby dance" for the rest of the week, and maybe beyond, I don't remember. The week after Thanksgiving we found out we were pregnant. I had some pretty funny signs including getting very lightheaded when standing and bursting into tears over a bad hair day and a pair of shoes.
We were thrilled! We went out and bought a baby book so we could document everything from day one. Unfortunately, one week after finding out we were pregnant, I started spotting, and feeling terrible. I'm pretty sure I was feeling terrible because I was so scared I was losing my baby. I went in to the Dr. as soon as I could, and they told me that my cervix was still closed, but that there was some discharge. He tried to reassure me that it could be nothing, but they couldn't say for sure. They ordered blood tests for the next several days to see if my HCG levels were going up (growing baby), or going down (miscarriage).
Well, I guess you know the rest of the story. My levels on the first test were over a thousand, and the girl from the Dr.'s office called and said "Congratulations, you're about 4 weeks pregnant!" I said thanks, but that didn't make me feel any better because I was actually about 6 weeks pregnant. The next call was devastating when she told me my levels had dropped to 500. I asked her three times what the levels were because I didn't want to believe it. The last test didn't matter because I knew my baby was already gone. I cried for days and days, but was determined to not give up.
We waited a month to start trying again, but again it took several months to get it right. In June of 2007, I found out I was pregnant again! I tried to do everything I could think of to keep this baby healthy and inside of me, but I was having a hard time with feeling a little nauseated and didn't eat as much as I probably should have. Not to say that had anything to do with what happened next, but I can't help but think about it. Again, one week after we got the positive pregnancy test, I was at work and started spotting again. Luckily My Love worked across the street so I rushed over to him. He told me he would take me right to the doctor. I went back to tell my boss I was leaving, and as I'm bawling telling her I think I am miscarrying for the second time, she hugs me and tells me that she had two miscarriages too, and then she couldn't have anymore kids. Um, talk about NOT what you want to hear at that moment!
We went to the doctor, and again, they said my cervix was still closed, but there was discharge, so they wanted to do the blood tests again. The first level came back much lower than the last time, somewhere in the hundreds I think. The second level I think was only 20 something, and the third level was in the single digits. From the moment I discovered I was probably miscarrying again, I immediately detached myself from the situation. I no longer thought of myself as being pregnant, I would only consider it to be a normal period because I couldn't go through the heart-wrenching pain I went through the first time. It actually helped a lot and I was able to get back to life a lot quicker.
My family knew about both pregnancies, but they were the only ones, so it was a little easier to only have to tell them, and not everyone we knew. We continued to try to get pregnant for the next year and a half. My new doctor recommended that we get My Love tested, and it turned out he had some troubles with malformed swimmers. I'd like to have him retested someday because that was during a very stressful time in our life, and I think that may have caused some of the problem.
Anyway, my periods would go back to normal right after I miscarried, the usual 28-29 days. But months later, they started getting irregular again. My Dr. gave me the lowest dose of Clomid and said as long as I ovulate (=have a period) then he won't up the dose. We tried that for a few months, along with ovulation tests, and nothing. Next we decided it was time to try IUI (IntraUterine Insemination). So I was on the Clomid, would take the ovulation tests, and when I got a positive (weekday or weekend) we would go to our Dr. to be inseminated. I always thought this would make us SUPER FERTILE, but my doctor told me it only makes us more like normal couples. Bummer. Well, after three rounds of that not working, we were out of money and had holiday vacations coming up to worry about. We decided to just relax and let nature take it's course.
So that is where we are at now. We decided not to pursue anymore fertility treatments until we get our life in order and where we want to be. We are not preventing pregnancy by any means, but we are also taking the time to enjoy each other and doing everything we can to prepare ourselves temporally and spiritually so we will be ready when Heavenly Father is ready to send us our little bundle of joy. We're not giving up! In a few months, when we hopefully get our lives settled a little more, if we are still having no luck, we plan to find a fertility specialist who can hopefully help. This three year journey has been the biggest roller coaster of my life. I have been through friends and close family getting pregnant and having babies. I have seen almost everyone (it seems) in my ward get pregnant and have babies, and are now on to their second babies. I still feel the sting in my heart every time I hear another person I know is pregnant. But I have survived, and I feel like I am a better person for it.