I stole this post from my friend Lauren's blog, I hope she doesn't mind. I have never heard of this, but I think it could be very applicable and healing for many of us.
October 15th is National Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. A day to remember the babies we never got to hold.
On October 15th, a wave of light travels the world in honor of our lost babies. At 7pm in your time zone, you are invited to light a candle in honor of each of your lost pregnancies, or in honor of the loss of a friend. Keep your candles lit for one hour, until the next time zone lights their candles.
To learn more visit http://www.october15th.com/
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
My Thoughts Are All Over The Place
I have almost started a post several times over the last couple weeks, but I always chickened out. I've been thinking about a lot of different things, but I could never get my thoughts straight enough to get out of my head and not sound terrible. Well, I'm hoping that maybe writing now will help. (Sorry, more whining may be involved.)
** I've been thinking a lot about our fertility issues. Is the problem with me? Is it with My Love? Is it both of us? My blood tests came back normal, which is good, but I was slightly disappointed because I was hoping for an answer to our troubles. I thought my progesterone was low, and all I had to do was take supplements, and we'd be fine! I guess that's not the problem.
My Love has amorphous/tapered sperm. I tried to look up information on that, and it appears it's probably some genetic problem. The information I read said that IUI, even with washing, wasn't a very good solution, and that IVF or ICSI are usually the best choices. Can we really afford all that right now? The good news is that we have gotten pregnant 3 times all on our own, so maybe we're not this much of an extreme case. But then that takes me back to, what is my problem? Why can't I keep a pregnancy past 6 weeks?
Maybe one or both of us have a genetic problem. They say the most common reason for early miscarriage is that a baby could never be made because the cells didn't divide properly or genetic mix ups. Maybe we should have genetic testing done. We have had some chromosomal abnormalities with distant family members. Maybe I have some kind of recessive gene or something.
My Love was supposed to have his hamster test done yesterday, but unfortunately we had an unexpected event the night before which did not allow us to keep that appointment. BUMMER! It's so hard for him to find time off, and I was sooo looking forward to having one more piece to our puzzle in the next few days. Hopefully he can find time to make another appointment soon.
** I got an invitation to a baby shower for a good friend. We have been friends since we were little, but we haven't been as close since high school. Heck, I found out she was pregnant on Facebook! :( I feel like I should go to the shower to see her and support her, but like many of us at times, I don't know if I really want to go. I guess I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it. I love her and am so happy for her, because I know she has wanted this for a while too, it's just never easy to congratulate someone for getting something you want. Oh gosh, that sounds terrible doesn't it! Any suggestions on being a better person?
** My wonderful sister in law got married this past weekend. It was such an amazing day and I loved it so much. She is the sweetest woman I know and I am so happy for her and her new hubby. They are so great together, and I love them both dearly. Unfortunately, here's the evil side of me, I can't help but be scared that now that they are married, and older, that they might have a baby before we do. TERRIBLE HUH! I thought since we have been married for so long, and were married first, we should give My Love's parent's their first grandchild. We don't get to be the firsts of anything with my parents (they already have 3 granddaughters and a grandson), so I thought it'd be nice to be the first with his parents. I know, I'm just being dumb and selfish. I keep telling myself to stop being so selfish and to think of the bright sides. One is that there would be a new baby in the family, and even in the same state! I could be the best aunt ever and help out all the time. And this is where I slap myself in the face and say, whoa, they just got married, they aren't the type to jump right into anything, let alone something as serious as parenthood. And, even if they did, I'd be happy for them because I love them and I want them to be happy!
Ah, family events. This is when we get to see everyone we haven't seen in years, many since we got married. Everyone likes to say hello and see how we're doing and what we're up to. This is the worst. We don't have anything exciting to say. "Ya, we've been married for the 5 years now, I know a long time. No, we don't have our own place, we're living with my parents. Yes, we have finished school, but we don't have a real career yet. Nope, no kids, hopefully soon :)" No one was pushy or anything about the kids stuff, but sometimes I just want to scream "No, we don't have any children! Want to know why?! Do you want to hear a really long, painful story?! I didn't think so." It was actually kind of sad, the only young person there was a cousin who is 13. Other than that, all the friends and family in the wedding party were over 21. I heard wishes and requests for more children at the next family wedding. Well, let's just hope his other sisters don't get married anytime soon!
** I worry that I may not be a mom, or at least not any time soon. I feel like without that, who am I? All I have ever wanted to be, since I was a baby myself, is a mom. I started helping a mom down the street with new twins when I was 6 years old. I would go over every day after school just to play with her babies. I have never thought about any type of career or alternative option in life than being a mom. I enjoyed school because I liked to learn about psychology, but I always thought that it was just good information to know for raising a family. There isn't a job in this world that even comes close to quenching my severe heart ache to be a mommy. I enjoyed working at the daycare, but at the end of the day, I was still going home empty handed. There was no little one there excited to see me and go home with me. No one was crying mommy for me. I wasn't the one they wanted when they were sad. I was a temporary fix, but I'm not mommy. I feel like I have lost my identity and I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do if I'm not a mom.
** I've been thinking a lot about our fertility issues. Is the problem with me? Is it with My Love? Is it both of us? My blood tests came back normal, which is good, but I was slightly disappointed because I was hoping for an answer to our troubles. I thought my progesterone was low, and all I had to do was take supplements, and we'd be fine! I guess that's not the problem.
My Love has amorphous/tapered sperm. I tried to look up information on that, and it appears it's probably some genetic problem. The information I read said that IUI, even with washing, wasn't a very good solution, and that IVF or ICSI are usually the best choices. Can we really afford all that right now? The good news is that we have gotten pregnant 3 times all on our own, so maybe we're not this much of an extreme case. But then that takes me back to, what is my problem? Why can't I keep a pregnancy past 6 weeks?
Maybe one or both of us have a genetic problem. They say the most common reason for early miscarriage is that a baby could never be made because the cells didn't divide properly or genetic mix ups. Maybe we should have genetic testing done. We have had some chromosomal abnormalities with distant family members. Maybe I have some kind of recessive gene or something.
My Love was supposed to have his hamster test done yesterday, but unfortunately we had an unexpected event the night before which did not allow us to keep that appointment. BUMMER! It's so hard for him to find time off, and I was sooo looking forward to having one more piece to our puzzle in the next few days. Hopefully he can find time to make another appointment soon.
** I got an invitation to a baby shower for a good friend. We have been friends since we were little, but we haven't been as close since high school. Heck, I found out she was pregnant on Facebook! :( I feel like I should go to the shower to see her and support her, but like many of us at times, I don't know if I really want to go. I guess I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it. I love her and am so happy for her, because I know she has wanted this for a while too, it's just never easy to congratulate someone for getting something you want. Oh gosh, that sounds terrible doesn't it! Any suggestions on being a better person?
** My wonderful sister in law got married this past weekend. It was such an amazing day and I loved it so much. She is the sweetest woman I know and I am so happy for her and her new hubby. They are so great together, and I love them both dearly. Unfortunately, here's the evil side of me, I can't help but be scared that now that they are married, and older, that they might have a baby before we do. TERRIBLE HUH! I thought since we have been married for so long, and were married first, we should give My Love's parent's their first grandchild. We don't get to be the firsts of anything with my parents (they already have 3 granddaughters and a grandson), so I thought it'd be nice to be the first with his parents. I know, I'm just being dumb and selfish. I keep telling myself to stop being so selfish and to think of the bright sides. One is that there would be a new baby in the family, and even in the same state! I could be the best aunt ever and help out all the time. And this is where I slap myself in the face and say, whoa, they just got married, they aren't the type to jump right into anything, let alone something as serious as parenthood. And, even if they did, I'd be happy for them because I love them and I want them to be happy!
Ah, family events. This is when we get to see everyone we haven't seen in years, many since we got married. Everyone likes to say hello and see how we're doing and what we're up to. This is the worst. We don't have anything exciting to say. "Ya, we've been married for the 5 years now, I know a long time. No, we don't have our own place, we're living with my parents. Yes, we have finished school, but we don't have a real career yet. Nope, no kids, hopefully soon :)" No one was pushy or anything about the kids stuff, but sometimes I just want to scream "No, we don't have any children! Want to know why?! Do you want to hear a really long, painful story?! I didn't think so." It was actually kind of sad, the only young person there was a cousin who is 13. Other than that, all the friends and family in the wedding party were over 21. I heard wishes and requests for more children at the next family wedding. Well, let's just hope his other sisters don't get married anytime soon!
** I worry that I may not be a mom, or at least not any time soon. I feel like without that, who am I? All I have ever wanted to be, since I was a baby myself, is a mom. I started helping a mom down the street with new twins when I was 6 years old. I would go over every day after school just to play with her babies. I have never thought about any type of career or alternative option in life than being a mom. I enjoyed school because I liked to learn about psychology, but I always thought that it was just good information to know for raising a family. There isn't a job in this world that even comes close to quenching my severe heart ache to be a mommy. I enjoyed working at the daycare, but at the end of the day, I was still going home empty handed. There was no little one there excited to see me and go home with me. No one was crying mommy for me. I wasn't the one they wanted when they were sad. I was a temporary fix, but I'm not mommy. I feel like I have lost my identity and I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do if I'm not a mom.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Congratulations!!
I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS to Infertility Goddess. She posted this comment a couple days ago:
I feel guilty telling a happy story--but I just saw the TWO heartbeats of my babies thanks to infertility treatments. I'm at 10 weeks now and praying they keep growing. It really is a miracle. We went to Dr. Heiner in Draper and are SO grateful for the fertility clinic there. AMAZING! We continue to pray for each of you, I understand at least a bit of how you feel. Side note: if you have PCOS or have symptoms ASK FOR METFORMIN...it's amazing. It made me feel a hundred times better, helped me lose weight finally, AND partly helped me get pregnant. Miracle drug :)
Don't feel guilty at all, we're so happy for you!! TWO heart beats, what an amazing miracle and blessing!! I hope everything continues to go well for you. I love success stories because they give us hope that we can do it too. Congratulations again, and keep us posted on how you and your babies are doing.
I feel guilty telling a happy story--but I just saw the TWO heartbeats of my babies thanks to infertility treatments. I'm at 10 weeks now and praying they keep growing. It really is a miracle. We went to Dr. Heiner in Draper and are SO grateful for the fertility clinic there. AMAZING! We continue to pray for each of you, I understand at least a bit of how you feel. Side note: if you have PCOS or have symptoms ASK FOR METFORMIN...it's amazing. It made me feel a hundred times better, helped me lose weight finally, AND partly helped me get pregnant. Miracle drug :)
Don't feel guilty at all, we're so happy for you!! TWO heart beats, what an amazing miracle and blessing!! I hope everything continues to go well for you. I love success stories because they give us hope that we can do it too. Congratulations again, and keep us posted on how you and your babies are doing.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Adoption Diaries
Has anyone else seen Adoption Diaries on WEtv? I wasn't sure that I wanted to get into it because I knew I'd get hooked, and I was worried it would be too emotional for me. Well, I was watching The Locator, which also makes me emotional (but I still love it!), and Adoption Diaries just started right after that. I was intrigued by the woman's story and then I couldn't turn it off. I ended up watching two episodes, which both ended with the adoptive parents getting to take home their babies, but of course, for the drama, they make it seem as if that might not happen. Gosh! What an emotional roller coaster! I really have to applaud those couples/families in the adoption process. They are so incredibly strong and understanding, it's amazing.
The women's stories were sounding a little too familiar and it was making me sad and scared. One of the adopting moms said that she had 4 miscarriages and learned that she has an auto immune type disease where her body thinks the pregnancy is a foreign body to be expelled. She said that she'd hear a heart beat one week, then it'd be gone a short time later. That of course got me wondering and worried if I have the same problem. I tried to look it up on the internet, but I don't know what this particular ailment is called, and I couldn't find it. However, I did find other articles/comments about miscarriage, and those just led me down hill. It only made me more upset to hear the "doctor" respond that there is nothing you can do to prevent miscarriage, it's just nature's way of getting rid of what wouldn't make it anyways; and then to read what all the other women were going through, it was heart breaking.
Here is my advice: Don't search the internet for answers to your fears or concerns. Most of the time, it only makes them worse, and chances are, that stuff doesn't apply to you anyways. It's best to ask your doctor any questions or concerns you have. Every woman, couple and situation is so individual, I don't think we can ever compare ourselves exactly.
Good luck with all your efforts, let us know how it's going!
The women's stories were sounding a little too familiar and it was making me sad and scared. One of the adopting moms said that she had 4 miscarriages and learned that she has an auto immune type disease where her body thinks the pregnancy is a foreign body to be expelled. She said that she'd hear a heart beat one week, then it'd be gone a short time later. That of course got me wondering and worried if I have the same problem. I tried to look it up on the internet, but I don't know what this particular ailment is called, and I couldn't find it. However, I did find other articles/comments about miscarriage, and those just led me down hill. It only made me more upset to hear the "doctor" respond that there is nothing you can do to prevent miscarriage, it's just nature's way of getting rid of what wouldn't make it anyways; and then to read what all the other women were going through, it was heart breaking.
Here is my advice: Don't search the internet for answers to your fears or concerns. Most of the time, it only makes them worse, and chances are, that stuff doesn't apply to you anyways. It's best to ask your doctor any questions or concerns you have. Every woman, couple and situation is so individual, I don't think we can ever compare ourselves exactly.
Good luck with all your efforts, let us know how it's going!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Finally Some Direction!
A month after making the appointment, I finally saw my new doctor today! It was a really interesting appointment. No pleasantries, we all met and said hello, then he started asking about our history, have you done this test? What were the results of that test? Have you done this or that? And so on... From there he said ok, we're going to do a blood test on you next week to test progesterone and a couple other things. Then we're going to do a "hamster egg penetration" test with a sample from My Love. I've never heard of this, but I guess they put his sample together with hamster eggs to see if his sperm can penetrate them. I couldn't help but laugh at this! I wanted to ask if his sperm penetrates the hamster eggs, would we get to keep our hamster babies? Then a few days after my next period we'll do a dye test to make sure my tubes are open and my uterus is shaped right. He also gave me a pregnancy safe prescription for my anxiety. Wah Hoo!! I really hope it works. And, I don't have to take the progesterone this month, Yay! I think that made me a little moody ;)
So, all in all, I didn't get any answers to our problems but I'm happy that I feel like we have some direction. I was very pleased with his confidence and feel that he really knows what he's doing and will do what he can to help us. Let's hope all these tests give us the answers we need.
How is your fertility progress going?
So, all in all, I didn't get any answers to our problems but I'm happy that I feel like we have some direction. I was very pleased with his confidence and feel that he really knows what he's doing and will do what he can to help us. Let's hope all these tests give us the answers we need.
How is your fertility progress going?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Fertility Doctors at St. Marks?
Megan has a great question!
I was just wondering if anybody knows any good doctors at St. Marks Hospital that are a little more aggressive with their fertility treatment. My sister is trying to get pregnant and she can't go to my doctor!
I was just wondering if anybody knows any good doctors at St. Marks Hospital that are a little more aggressive with their fertility treatment. My sister is trying to get pregnant and she can't go to my doctor!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Thank You!
I just want to say thank you to everyone for all your sweet comments. I'm feeling much better now. Not so bummed out at least. I'm still doing my best to keep busy. And yes, junk food helps! Sometimes I really want to curse these hormones, but then again, without them, we wouldn't ever be able to bare children, right?
All I can say is, I LOVE Sundays! Even if nothing specific happens, I always feel better when I'm at church and then bring that good feeling home. Too bad it kinda wears off by Monday eh. But we'll keep trying!
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend and have a wonderful short week! Let me know if you are feeling bummed out, or if you have any questions you want to ask that someone else here might be able to answer. Or let me know if you are having success or frustrations. I want to know what's going on with all of you! Thanks for all your support to me and each other.
All I can say is, I LOVE Sundays! Even if nothing specific happens, I always feel better when I'm at church and then bring that good feeling home. Too bad it kinda wears off by Monday eh. But we'll keep trying!
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend and have a wonderful short week! Let me know if you are feeling bummed out, or if you have any questions you want to ask that someone else here might be able to answer. Or let me know if you are having success or frustrations. I want to know what's going on with all of you! Thanks for all your support to me and each other.
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