My Thoughts Are All Over The Place

I have almost started a post several times over the last couple weeks, but I always chickened out. I've been thinking about a lot of different things, but I could never get my thoughts straight enough to get out of my head and not sound terrible. Well, I'm hoping that maybe writing now will help. (Sorry, more whining may be involved.)
** I've been thinking a lot about our fertility issues. Is the problem with me? Is it with My Love? Is it both of us? My blood tests came back normal, which is good, but I was slightly disappointed because I was hoping for an answer to our troubles. I thought my progesterone was low, and all I had to do was take supplements, and we'd be fine! I guess that's not the problem.
My Love has amorphous/tapered sperm. I tried to look up information on that, and it appears it's probably some genetic problem. The information I read said that IUI, even with washing, wasn't a very good solution, and that IVF or ICSI are usually the best choices. Can we really afford all that right now? The good news is that we have gotten pregnant 3 times all on our own, so maybe we're not this much of an extreme case. But then that takes me back to, what is my problem? Why can't I keep a pregnancy past 6 weeks?
Maybe one or both of us have a genetic problem. They say the most common reason for early miscarriage is that a baby could never be made because the cells didn't divide properly or genetic mix ups. Maybe we should have genetic testing done. We have had some chromosomal abnormalities with distant family members. Maybe I have some kind of recessive gene or something.
My Love was supposed to have his hamster test done yesterday, but unfortunately we had an unexpected event the night before which did not allow us to keep that appointment. BUMMER! It's so hard for him to find time off, and I was sooo looking forward to having one more piece to our puzzle in the next few days. Hopefully he can find time to make another appointment soon.
** I got an invitation to a baby shower for a good friend. We have been friends since we were little, but we haven't been as close since high school. Heck, I found out she was pregnant on Facebook! :( I feel like I should go to the shower to see her and support her, but like many of us at times, I don't know if I really want to go. I guess I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it. I love her and am so happy for her, because I know she has wanted this for a while too, it's just never easy to congratulate someone for getting something you want. Oh gosh, that sounds terrible doesn't it! Any suggestions on being a better person?
** My wonderful sister in law got married this past weekend. It was such an amazing day and I loved it so much. She is the sweetest woman I know and I am so happy for her and her new hubby. They are so great together, and I love them both dearly. Unfortunately, here's the evil side of me, I can't help but be scared that now that they are married, and older, that they might have a baby before we do. TERRIBLE HUH! I thought since we have been married for so long, and were married first, we should give My Love's parent's their first grandchild. We don't get to be the firsts of anything with my parents (they already have 3 granddaughters and a grandson), so I thought it'd be nice to be the first with his parents. I know, I'm just being dumb and selfish. I keep telling myself to stop being so selfish and to think of the bright sides. One is that there would be a new baby in the family, and even in the same state! I could be the best aunt ever and help out all the time. And this is where I slap myself in the face and say, whoa, they just got married, they aren't the type to jump right into anything, let alone something as serious as parenthood. And, even if they did, I'd be happy for them because I love them and I want them to be happy!
Ah, family events. This is when we get to see everyone we haven't seen in years, many since we got married. Everyone likes to say hello and see how we're doing and what we're up to. This is the worst. We don't have anything exciting to say. "Ya, we've been married for the 5 years now, I know a long time. No, we don't have our own place, we're living with my parents. Yes, we have finished school, but we don't have a real career yet. Nope, no kids, hopefully soon :)" No one was pushy or anything about the kids stuff, but sometimes I just want to scream "No, we don't have any children! Want to know why?! Do you want to hear a really long, painful story?! I didn't think so." It was actually kind of sad, the only young person there was a cousin who is 13. Other than that, all the friends and family in the wedding party were over 21. I heard wishes and requests for more children at the next family wedding. Well, let's just hope his other sisters don't get married anytime soon!
** I worry that I may not be a mom, or at least not any time soon. I feel like without that, who am I? All I have ever wanted to be, since I was a baby myself, is a mom. I started helping a mom down the street with new twins when I was 6 years old. I would go over every day after school just to play with her babies. I have never thought about any type of career or alternative option in life than being a mom. I enjoyed school because I liked to learn about psychology, but I always thought that it was just good information to know for raising a family. There isn't a job in this world that even comes close to quenching my severe heart ache to be a mommy. I enjoyed working at the daycare, but at the end of the day, I was still going home empty handed. There was no little one there excited to see me and go home with me. No one was crying mommy for me. I wasn't the one they wanted when they were sad. I was a temporary fix, but I'm not mommy. I feel like I have lost my identity and I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do if I'm not a mom.