One thing that I have struggled with is how to be happy for friends and family when they get pregnant and have babies, and I'm still feeling empty. It's been a hard thing for me, and I'm certainly not perfect at it still, but I feel like I have been able to overcome this crummy feeling a bit.
The first girl I remember being really upset with/jealous of was one of my visiting teachers. She came over a few days, maybe a week, after I had my first miscarriage. They started with the usual questions, where are you from? are you in school? how long have you been married? do you have any kids? Of course when it came to the last question, I just said no, or not yet, and then passed the question right back, because I knew neither of them had kids. Well, the one sister, let's call her Beth, said "Actually, we're having our first." According to my calculations, she was due about the same time I would have been. That just about shattered my heart again. Of course I couldn't say anything, I hardly knew these girls. So I just held it in till they left. Then I cried.
As the months went on I tried to avoid Beth and the baby subject. I could hardly stand to watch her adorable pregnant belly grow, and couldn't help but think if mine would have looked the same. I dreaded going to church and I felt like I had isolated myself because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was afraid I would find out they were pregnant too, because in my ward, EVERYONE is pregnant. I was beginning to wonder, where is this fertility fountain they are all obviously drinking from?
When I heard that Beth had her baby, I was feeling so terrible for being upset with her. Why was I upset with HER? My experiences and feelings had nothing to do with her! She had no idea what I was going through, and I felt like it wasn't fair for me to be acting that way. So, I went to the store, I bought a pack of newborn diapers and a bow, and I called Beth and asked her if I could come visit. She very sweetly said I could. I decided I was going to give Beth the diapers as an action of faith, because I knew that if I could quit having a pity party for myself, and do something for someone else, then Heavenly Father would help heal my broken heart.
She invited me in, and asked if I wanted to hold her baby. Of course! We sat and chatted, and she told me how he was a miracle baby. They were surprised that she could get pregnant because of some reproductive problems she had. Then she had some really scary things happen during delivery. I remember having a total paradigm shift at that moment! This baby was their miracle, and who am I to take that away from them?
There have been several other occasions when I have felt hard hearted toward a pregnant friend, and I have tried to set aside those feelings and do something nice for them. In the end, I have made some incredible friendships, and I have grown as a person. I have started feeling a little less sad for myself, and happier for others. I found that I really enjoy holding with those babies, and then giving them back when they poop all over themselves! I learned that life is too short to spend all your time feeling bad for yourself. And I have learned that it's really hard to be upset with someone when you're serving them. This lesson has come in handy in a lot of aspects of my life. I'm also grateful to My Love who helps me remember these things when I find myself getting off track.
I still get a little sad when I hear that my friends are having their second baby, before I can even have my first. I still get that sting in my heart when I hear about girls who were Mia Maids when I was a Laurel, are now pregnant before me. But then I think, who am I to take away their joy? I can be sad for myself, and still be happy for them. I don't have to kill myself trying to overcompensate for my sad feelings, but sometimes a small act of service goes a long way in helping yourself, and the people you serve.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
What's Your Story?
Just a quick, funny little Bible story.
My Love and I have been reading The Old Testament. Tonight we read this story about Sarai and her husband Abram. Sarai was barren, so she asked Abram to go be with her handmaid, Hagar, to bare them a child. Being such an obedient husband ;), he did, and Hagar of course got pregnant. Hagar then despised Sarai and ran away. Then an angel came and told Hagar to go back to Sarai, and that she would bare a son to Abram and name him Ishmael.
Now, maybe it was just me, but I found this story to be a little comical. I guess that's one way to get a baby, but sorry, you won't catch me "sharing" My Love!
Ok, now the real reason for this post.
For me, starting this blog was the first opportunity I had to really tell my whole story of our fertility troubles. It was actually quite nice and therapeutic, and not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Then, after reading through some of the links you guys have posted, I have seen just how blessed I have been in my trials. A lot of you have experienced such heavy heartache, and I am lifted up to see your perseverance and positive attitudes.
I'd like to hear more of your stories and possibly use them in future posts. You never know who might read your story and feel a connection because they're experiencing the same thing you are.
If you'd like to post your story you can either do so in a comment or email me at iwannagrowpeople@gmail.com. You don't have to give your real name if you don't want to. I'll probably just make one up, if that's ok. Just let me know if you would like me to omit any information if I were to post your story.
My Love and I have been reading The Old Testament. Tonight we read this story about Sarai and her husband Abram. Sarai was barren, so she asked Abram to go be with her handmaid, Hagar, to bare them a child. Being such an obedient husband ;), he did, and Hagar of course got pregnant. Hagar then despised Sarai and ran away. Then an angel came and told Hagar to go back to Sarai, and that she would bare a son to Abram and name him Ishmael.
Now, maybe it was just me, but I found this story to be a little comical. I guess that's one way to get a baby, but sorry, you won't catch me "sharing" My Love!
Ok, now the real reason for this post.
For me, starting this blog was the first opportunity I had to really tell my whole story of our fertility troubles. It was actually quite nice and therapeutic, and not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Then, after reading through some of the links you guys have posted, I have seen just how blessed I have been in my trials. A lot of you have experienced such heavy heartache, and I am lifted up to see your perseverance and positive attitudes.
I'd like to hear more of your stories and possibly use them in future posts. You never know who might read your story and feel a connection because they're experiencing the same thing you are.
If you'd like to post your story you can either do so in a comment or email me at iwannagrowpeople@gmail.com. You don't have to give your real name if you don't want to. I'll probably just make one up, if that's ok. Just let me know if you would like me to omit any information if I were to post your story.
Adoption?
There have been a few comments about adoption, so I just wanted to address my situation on this matter.
I am all for adoption! I know a lot of people who have done it, and some wonderful success stories, as well as a few not so successful stories. I am in no way against adoption, I have even looked in to it a little bit, but for us, it's just not the right time. I believe this is a very personal decision between you, your spouse, and The Lord.
I have no direct experience with adoption, therefore I feel unqualified to speak on this matter. I know there are a lot of great books, websites and blogs out there to help, but unfortunately, this isn't one of them. If you would like to post any links to adoption websites or blogs for anyone reading this that might be interested, that would be wonderful! It's great when we can help each other find what we're looking for.
I am all for adoption! I know a lot of people who have done it, and some wonderful success stories, as well as a few not so successful stories. I am in no way against adoption, I have even looked in to it a little bit, but for us, it's just not the right time. I believe this is a very personal decision between you, your spouse, and The Lord.
I have no direct experience with adoption, therefore I feel unqualified to speak on this matter. I know there are a lot of great books, websites and blogs out there to help, but unfortunately, this isn't one of them. If you would like to post any links to adoption websites or blogs for anyone reading this that might be interested, that would be wonderful! It's great when we can help each other find what we're looking for.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
What Do You Do?
First off, I want to thank everyone for your overwhelming support of this new venture. I'm so humbled by all your sweet comments and I know that I have been truly blessed with wonderful friends and family. I couldn't make it through life without all of you!
Disclaimer: If I ever tell stories about any of my friends, I will either not mention names, or change the names, or ask their permission first. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or exposed.
The other day, a friend called me in tears because she just found out that ANOTHER one of her friends is pregnant. She's been having a difficult time for a while now, and she may be feeling, as many of us do, there is no end. I was very touched when she said "I didn't know who else to call." I wanted to cry with her, because I know the pain she is going through. I searched for just the right things to tell her to make her feel better, but I felt so inadequate. I'm afraid I just babbled.
When I am feeling this way, one of my friends always tells me that it's ok to be upset, angry, frustrated, sad, and even jealous. She listens and validates my feelings and allows me to not feel so guilty for having them. This has been one of the biggest helps to me because I am able to work through those feelings, and then move on.
So here I am, telling YOU, when your best friend, your sister, your sister-in-law, your aunt, your cousin, your coworker, even your mother tells you they are pregnant...
It's OK to be upset
It's OK to be angry
It's OK to be frustrated
It's OK to be jealous
It's OK to cry
Allow yourself to have those feelings, then, recognize and identify each one individually. NOW, it's time to release those feelings so you can go on and deal with the rest of your day or week.
Some suggestions for release:
1. Write in a journal: I find writing to be very therapeutic. Others may prefer drawing, painting, or doing crafts. I write about my thoughts and feelings -uncut and uncensored- Sometimes I even write letters. Just remember, don't send the letters, and you only have to share your writings if you want to.
2. Talk to a close friend, family member, or spouse: They can provide physical support, and sometimes you just need someone who will listen and not judge you.
3. Pray: Go someplace quiet where you can be alone, and pour your heart out to your loving Heavenly Father. Cry all those tears you have been holding in for days, weeks, even months! Even if you're sobbing, He still understands the words you say.
4. Go for a walk: Exercise releases endorphins which make your brain feel happy. Sometimes the best thing to do is to get away, look at the big picture in life, and forget the whole thing.
These are just a few things that I have found bring me comfort when I get overwhelmed by all the baby bellies. What do you do when you find yourself hitting your limits?
Disclaimer: If I ever tell stories about any of my friends, I will either not mention names, or change the names, or ask their permission first. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or exposed.
The other day, a friend called me in tears because she just found out that ANOTHER one of her friends is pregnant. She's been having a difficult time for a while now, and she may be feeling, as many of us do, there is no end. I was very touched when she said "I didn't know who else to call." I wanted to cry with her, because I know the pain she is going through. I searched for just the right things to tell her to make her feel better, but I felt so inadequate. I'm afraid I just babbled.
When I am feeling this way, one of my friends always tells me that it's ok to be upset, angry, frustrated, sad, and even jealous. She listens and validates my feelings and allows me to not feel so guilty for having them. This has been one of the biggest helps to me because I am able to work through those feelings, and then move on.
So here I am, telling YOU, when your best friend, your sister, your sister-in-law, your aunt, your cousin, your coworker, even your mother tells you they are pregnant...
It's OK to be upset
It's OK to be angry
It's OK to be frustrated
It's OK to be jealous
It's OK to cry
Allow yourself to have those feelings, then, recognize and identify each one individually. NOW, it's time to release those feelings so you can go on and deal with the rest of your day or week.
Some suggestions for release:
1. Write in a journal: I find writing to be very therapeutic. Others may prefer drawing, painting, or doing crafts. I write about my thoughts and feelings -uncut and uncensored- Sometimes I even write letters. Just remember, don't send the letters, and you only have to share your writings if you want to.
2. Talk to a close friend, family member, or spouse: They can provide physical support, and sometimes you just need someone who will listen and not judge you.
3. Pray: Go someplace quiet where you can be alone, and pour your heart out to your loving Heavenly Father. Cry all those tears you have been holding in for days, weeks, even months! Even if you're sobbing, He still understands the words you say.
4. Go for a walk: Exercise releases endorphins which make your brain feel happy. Sometimes the best thing to do is to get away, look at the big picture in life, and forget the whole thing.
These are just a few things that I have found bring me comfort when I get overwhelmed by all the baby bellies. What do you do when you find yourself hitting your limits?
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Introduction
(I'm sorry this is really long, but I'll try to break it up into paragraphs to make for easier reading)
I thought I would get the ball rolling by posting my story. I don't post much on my personal blog about our struggles because I don't want to come off as whining, but I think this is the perfect place for all of us to tell our stories.
I married My Love in Aug. 2004. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, but we thought it would be smart to wait until I finished school. Plus, those two years would give us plenty of time to get to know each other and start our happy life together. So, May of 2006 I quit taking birth control. We tried all summer long, according to the online ovulation calculators. Unfortunately, we were always way off because my cycles were a lot longer that those calculators planned for.
When we weren't pregnant after 6 months of trying, we went in to my OB/GYN, as instructed, just to see if we could get any answers. He told me to use the at home ovulation (pee stick) tests and when I got a positive to call them, and they would make some appointments for me to get some ultrasounds done to make sure I was in fact ovulating. My cycles were really long and varied, so this was something they wanted to rule out.
That November, I did as the Dr. said, and during the next week of ultrasounds, the technician just kept telling me that the ovary(s) was getting bigger. I guess that meant it was just taking longer to burst. So we kept doing the "baby dance" for the rest of the week, and maybe beyond, I don't remember. The week after Thanksgiving we found out we were pregnant. I had some pretty funny signs including getting very lightheaded when standing and bursting into tears over a bad hair day and a pair of shoes.
We were thrilled! We went out and bought a baby book so we could document everything from day one. Unfortunately, one week after finding out we were pregnant, I started spotting, and feeling terrible. I'm pretty sure I was feeling terrible because I was so scared I was losing my baby. I went in to the Dr. as soon as I could, and they told me that my cervix was still closed, but that there was some discharge. He tried to reassure me that it could be nothing, but they couldn't say for sure. They ordered blood tests for the next several days to see if my HCG levels were going up (growing baby), or going down (miscarriage).
Well, I guess you know the rest of the story. My levels on the first test were over a thousand, and the girl from the Dr.'s office called and said "Congratulations, you're about 4 weeks pregnant!" I said thanks, but that didn't make me feel any better because I was actually about 6 weeks pregnant. The next call was devastating when she told me my levels had dropped to 500. I asked her three times what the levels were because I didn't want to believe it. The last test didn't matter because I knew my baby was already gone. I cried for days and days, but was determined to not give up.
We waited a month to start trying again, but again it took several months to get it right. In June of 2007, I found out I was pregnant again! I tried to do everything I could think of to keep this baby healthy and inside of me, but I was having a hard time with feeling a little nauseated and didn't eat as much as I probably should have. Not to say that had anything to do with what happened next, but I can't help but think about it. Again, one week after we got the positive pregnancy test, I was at work and started spotting again. Luckily My Love worked across the street so I rushed over to him. He told me he would take me right to the doctor. I went back to tell my boss I was leaving, and as I'm bawling telling her I think I am miscarrying for the second time, she hugs me and tells me that she had two miscarriages too, and then she couldn't have anymore kids. Um, talk about NOT what you want to hear at that moment!
We went to the doctor, and again, they said my cervix was still closed, but there was discharge, so they wanted to do the blood tests again. The first level came back much lower than the last time, somewhere in the hundreds I think. The second level I think was only 20 something, and the third level was in the single digits. From the moment I discovered I was probably miscarrying again, I immediately detached myself from the situation. I no longer thought of myself as being pregnant, I would only consider it to be a normal period because I couldn't go through the heart-wrenching pain I went through the first time. It actually helped a lot and I was able to get back to life a lot quicker.
My family knew about both pregnancies, but they were the only ones, so it was a little easier to only have to tell them, and not everyone we knew. We continued to try to get pregnant for the next year and a half. My new doctor recommended that we get My Love tested, and it turned out he had some troubles with malformed swimmers. I'd like to have him retested someday because that was during a very stressful time in our life, and I think that may have caused some of the problem.
Anyway, my periods would go back to normal right after I miscarried, the usual 28-29 days. But months later, they started getting irregular again. My Dr. gave me the lowest dose of Clomid and said as long as I ovulate (=have a period) then he won't up the dose. We tried that for a few months, along with ovulation tests, and nothing. Next we decided it was time to try IUI (IntraUterine Insemination). So I was on the Clomid, would take the ovulation tests, and when I got a positive (weekday or weekend) we would go to our Dr. to be inseminated. I always thought this would make us SUPER FERTILE, but my doctor told me it only makes us more like normal couples. Bummer. Well, after three rounds of that not working, we were out of money and had holiday vacations coming up to worry about. We decided to just relax and let nature take it's course.
So that is where we are at now. We decided not to pursue anymore fertility treatments until we get our life in order and where we want to be. We are not preventing pregnancy by any means, but we are also taking the time to enjoy each other and doing everything we can to prepare ourselves temporally and spiritually so we will be ready when Heavenly Father is ready to send us our little bundle of joy. We're not giving up! In a few months, when we hopefully get our lives settled a little more, if we are still having no luck, we plan to find a fertility specialist who can hopefully help. This three year journey has been the biggest roller coaster of my life. I have been through friends and close family getting pregnant and having babies. I have seen almost everyone (it seems) in my ward get pregnant and have babies, and are now on to their second babies. I still feel the sting in my heart every time I hear another person I know is pregnant. But I have survived, and I feel like I am a better person for it.
I thought I would get the ball rolling by posting my story. I don't post much on my personal blog about our struggles because I don't want to come off as whining, but I think this is the perfect place for all of us to tell our stories.
I married My Love in Aug. 2004. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember, but we thought it would be smart to wait until I finished school. Plus, those two years would give us plenty of time to get to know each other and start our happy life together. So, May of 2006 I quit taking birth control. We tried all summer long, according to the online ovulation calculators. Unfortunately, we were always way off because my cycles were a lot longer that those calculators planned for.
When we weren't pregnant after 6 months of trying, we went in to my OB/GYN, as instructed, just to see if we could get any answers. He told me to use the at home ovulation (pee stick) tests and when I got a positive to call them, and they would make some appointments for me to get some ultrasounds done to make sure I was in fact ovulating. My cycles were really long and varied, so this was something they wanted to rule out.
That November, I did as the Dr. said, and during the next week of ultrasounds, the technician just kept telling me that the ovary(s) was getting bigger. I guess that meant it was just taking longer to burst. So we kept doing the "baby dance" for the rest of the week, and maybe beyond, I don't remember. The week after Thanksgiving we found out we were pregnant. I had some pretty funny signs including getting very lightheaded when standing and bursting into tears over a bad hair day and a pair of shoes.
We were thrilled! We went out and bought a baby book so we could document everything from day one. Unfortunately, one week after finding out we were pregnant, I started spotting, and feeling terrible. I'm pretty sure I was feeling terrible because I was so scared I was losing my baby. I went in to the Dr. as soon as I could, and they told me that my cervix was still closed, but that there was some discharge. He tried to reassure me that it could be nothing, but they couldn't say for sure. They ordered blood tests for the next several days to see if my HCG levels were going up (growing baby), or going down (miscarriage).
Well, I guess you know the rest of the story. My levels on the first test were over a thousand, and the girl from the Dr.'s office called and said "Congratulations, you're about 4 weeks pregnant!" I said thanks, but that didn't make me feel any better because I was actually about 6 weeks pregnant. The next call was devastating when she told me my levels had dropped to 500. I asked her three times what the levels were because I didn't want to believe it. The last test didn't matter because I knew my baby was already gone. I cried for days and days, but was determined to not give up.
We waited a month to start trying again, but again it took several months to get it right. In June of 2007, I found out I was pregnant again! I tried to do everything I could think of to keep this baby healthy and inside of me, but I was having a hard time with feeling a little nauseated and didn't eat as much as I probably should have. Not to say that had anything to do with what happened next, but I can't help but think about it. Again, one week after we got the positive pregnancy test, I was at work and started spotting again. Luckily My Love worked across the street so I rushed over to him. He told me he would take me right to the doctor. I went back to tell my boss I was leaving, and as I'm bawling telling her I think I am miscarrying for the second time, she hugs me and tells me that she had two miscarriages too, and then she couldn't have anymore kids. Um, talk about NOT what you want to hear at that moment!
We went to the doctor, and again, they said my cervix was still closed, but there was discharge, so they wanted to do the blood tests again. The first level came back much lower than the last time, somewhere in the hundreds I think. The second level I think was only 20 something, and the third level was in the single digits. From the moment I discovered I was probably miscarrying again, I immediately detached myself from the situation. I no longer thought of myself as being pregnant, I would only consider it to be a normal period because I couldn't go through the heart-wrenching pain I went through the first time. It actually helped a lot and I was able to get back to life a lot quicker.
My family knew about both pregnancies, but they were the only ones, so it was a little easier to only have to tell them, and not everyone we knew. We continued to try to get pregnant for the next year and a half. My new doctor recommended that we get My Love tested, and it turned out he had some troubles with malformed swimmers. I'd like to have him retested someday because that was during a very stressful time in our life, and I think that may have caused some of the problem.
Anyway, my periods would go back to normal right after I miscarried, the usual 28-29 days. But months later, they started getting irregular again. My Dr. gave me the lowest dose of Clomid and said as long as I ovulate (=have a period) then he won't up the dose. We tried that for a few months, along with ovulation tests, and nothing. Next we decided it was time to try IUI (IntraUterine Insemination). So I was on the Clomid, would take the ovulation tests, and when I got a positive (weekday or weekend) we would go to our Dr. to be inseminated. I always thought this would make us SUPER FERTILE, but my doctor told me it only makes us more like normal couples. Bummer. Well, after three rounds of that not working, we were out of money and had holiday vacations coming up to worry about. We decided to just relax and let nature take it's course.
So that is where we are at now. We decided not to pursue anymore fertility treatments until we get our life in order and where we want to be. We are not preventing pregnancy by any means, but we are also taking the time to enjoy each other and doing everything we can to prepare ourselves temporally and spiritually so we will be ready when Heavenly Father is ready to send us our little bundle of joy. We're not giving up! In a few months, when we hopefully get our lives settled a little more, if we are still having no luck, we plan to find a fertility specialist who can hopefully help. This three year journey has been the biggest roller coaster of my life. I have been through friends and close family getting pregnant and having babies. I have seen almost everyone (it seems) in my ward get pregnant and have babies, and are now on to their second babies. I still feel the sting in my heart every time I hear another person I know is pregnant. But I have survived, and I feel like I am a better person for it.
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