My friend Courtney sent me these questions the other day. I think they are really great, and I wish I had the answers. What do you think?
She said:
I never know what to say when people have fertility problems. I don't want to be insensitive, but I want them to know that I care. I want them to know they can talk to me, but I don't want to be nosy.
Is it ok to ask questions if someone tells you she had a miscarriage or that she has fertility problems?
Is it helpful to hear stories of other people you know?
What is the best way to tell a friend you are pregnant if you know they are struggling?
A few of my thoughts:
Well for me, obviously, I don't mind if people ask me questions about my fertility problems. I was maybe a little more reserved at first, because it can be embarrassing sometimes, or just hard to talk about because it makes me sad. I think it's ok to ask questions, and maybe pay attention to how they are answering as to whether they want to really talk about it or not. For some people it feels really good to talk it out, others prefer to be more private.
I really like to hear other people's stories because I feel like I have a buddy (for lack of a better word, I can't think), someone who understands what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. Someone who doesn't judge me for the terrible/angry thoughts I have. Someone to make me feel normal and validated in my feelings. I hate to say misery loves company, but it's kinda true. Not that any of us ever wanted to be in this situation, or would ever wish it on any of our friends, but it's nice to know there is someone who understands.
And that last question, I think that's the hardest. I'm still not sure the best way. My brother called me after work while I was waiting for My Love and just said it, like he was telling me they bought a puppy or something. It was big news, but he didn't make a huge deal out of it. Somehow, that helped. At least to us, they didn't make a huge production out of it, like neener neener neener. I think it's best to hear it from that friend or family member too. I think it's worse when you find out with the rest of the world on a blog or facebook post. But that's just me.
What are your thoughts?
Now, I have another question from this side. I have always been hesitant to make friends with other women who have babies because I love babies so much and I don't want them to think I only want to be friends with them because they have a baby. So, I either just avoid them, or I kind of ignore their baby until we are better friends, so she knows I really want to be friends with her, not just her baby. Is this totally stupid? Am I the only crazy one who thinks this much about dumb things? I guess, I'm just wondering how people with babies feel about having friends without babies.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Okay--all fabulous questions I think. 1) I love when people ask questions about it. I think it lets me know that they are interested in me and that they care. I really like being able to talk to people about it, especially those who are fertile because I feel like it connects us better. I would ask about your baby, so why not inquire after my lack thereof :) 2) I do like to hear others stories, I just have a problem with people say "well my friend's been trying for 5 years so that's much harder" whether you've tried for 10 years or 10 months it is still difficult. But, really stories help sometimes. 3) This is a really hard one. I know that it can be so hard to tell someone because you are so happy and yet you feel so uncomfortable. I have had a friend pull me aside before telling others and just let me know what was happening. I appreciated that so that I wasn't caught off guard in public. I had a sister do a big dinner for me and my husband to tell us, didn't like that. Too much attention. I've also had others who have done it not so kindly, for example saying "we're pregnant, and it only took us one month!" Really? No one needs to know that anyway. So those are my responses. For me personally it hurts every time someone tells me they are pregnant or I see it on their blog. It always breaks my heart a little bit. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I always feel jealous. However, I have found that each time I have to just say a little prayer and turn over my human feelings to the Lord and truly find that I can be happy for someone else. Hope that is helpful.
This is just my perspective on the other side, Maranda. I have a daughter and honestly most of my close friends do not have babies. I don't know why that is, but thats how it happens to be. In my experience, I have loved having friends with babies and without. I have never felt that someone wants to be my friend just because I have a baby. In fact, it is the exact opposite. I wonder if they would even want to be my friend now (I am much more boring now that I have a child, I mean, she goes to bed at 7 pm if that gives you any clue!) Trust me though, everyone mother loves it when people ask about her baby, want to hold her baby, play with the baby, etc. That is so nice and so welcome. Offers to babysit are awseome too. Let's face it, when you have a child, they become a huge part of your life, so someone who is going to be a close friend will be involved in their life too. I love this post, though. I think everyone knows people who deal with infertility and there are definite questions as to what is okay and what is not to talk about, etc. I think it is a great way to educate people in being a little more sensitive! :)
Thanks for answering my questions Maranda! I am glad to know these things. Also, I agree with Kim. I have never felt like someone wanted to be friends with me just for my baby. And kind of like Kim said, sometimes I feel like people without kids wouldn't want to be friends with me because I'm an old boring mom. Funny that both groups have these misconceptions!
Great post! (sorry this comment is so late). I liked having others to talk to/relate with, etc when we were trying to get pregnant. When I did get pregnant, I felt like a trader though... I dont think anyone made me feel that way, I just felt it! I felt like after we got pregnant I couldn't be as open about the struggle I had had, even though it was still true and real. I just didn't want to EVER come across like "neener neener neener" like you said - so I tried to err on the side of caution. Ultimately though, I dont think we should ever ignore eachother when we're in one camp or the other - we just need to find common ground, and like you said, gage how eachother feels and go with your gut. Oh, and I NEVER feel like someone is being my friend just bc I have a baby (etc) - I agree with the other two, most likely it'd go the other way - they don't come around as much bc a baby is 'such a drag' ;)
*traitor. haha :)
*traitor. haha :)
Post a Comment